Does Your Mood Change Like The Weather?

Do you ever feel like your mood changes like the weather?

Last week I was full of gratitude and peace.

This week I’ve been riding an emotional roller coaster.

My daughter is safe in rehab and doing well, so these emotions are all about me and my personal battle.

I’ve had to wean off my bioidentical hormones because my breast cancer is 100% estrogen and progesterone receptor positive.

As my oncology surgeon said, my breast cancer looooooves hormones.

I’m also a little less than 3 weeks from surgery and feeling all the fears associated with that.

I have fears of complications, that there will be cancer in my nodes, and the permanent changes in my body that I will wake up to.

There’s also the vulnerability of needing to be taken care of after my surgery.

My dogs and I moving in with my sister and her wife so they can help me as long as I need it.

Up until surgery not much has changed in my life, just the knowledge that I have breast cancer.

After surgery, many things will change including weekly doctor visits and at least one or two more surgeries.

What I’m about to experience is mild compared to what many women experience.

Unless something unexpected is found during surgery I won’t have to have chemo or radiation.

Yet this is my experience, I’m facing losing my breasts and having them reconstructed, so I’m allowing myself to grieve that loss.

The grief comes in waves.

This week the waves are big.

I’m just allowing them and not judging them.

I used to run from my feelings and do whatever it took to shut them down.

Increasing my capacity to experience sadness and grief without panicking has increased my capacity for happiness.

While this is hard and I’m in a lot of emotional discomfort, I’m not causing myself to suffer by doubting my decisions, judging myself, or believing the lies my brain comes up with.

The main lie I’m struggling not to believe right now is that my life is really unstable and there is a lot of uncertainty.

I keep asking myself is there really more instability and uncertainty than normal right now or do I just know exactly what’s unstable and uncertain?

The truth is, life is always full of unknowns. I just choose not to think about them.

This is just like when I used to live in constant fear that my daughter would overdose and die.

Many of my clients struggle with this too.

We give so much importance and power to the known uncertainties of addiction that we easily become paralyzed with fear.

Our brain keeps telling us this one piece of information is significant and we get stuck in thought loops about it.

I’m handling my uncertainty about breast cancer the same way.

I’m allowing my feelings but also redirecting my brain from catastrophe.

I keep reminding myself that life is full of uncertainties every day, I just don’t focus on them.

I’m staying active by walking every day because moving my body makes it easier to manage my mind.

I’m going to a sound bath tonight to give my mind and body a nice long break from the “catastrophe chatter”.

I’m doing all the things I share with you guys to do for yourselves I believe in it and it works.

I’m still human.  I’m still feeling lots of emotions and discomfort, but because I’ve been focused on creating a healthy emotional life for so long I know how I feel today will pass.

If you’re struggling too, be kind to yourself. Give yourself some grace and question your thoughts.

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