EP 51 How To Stop Fixing Your Child And Start Connecting With Them

Living With Your Child's Addiction Podcast
Living With Your Child's Addiction Podcast
EP 51 How To Stop Fixing Your Child And Start Connecting With Them
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We’re always dancing with the fine line between help and support that comes from a place of love and fixing that comes from a place of fear. Fear can show up in such sneaky ways that you don’t realize you’re trying to fix your child again.  The way out of that is going to the “safe zone” of focusing on connection. In this episode I give you 4 ways to identify that you’re in fear and 3 ways to stop fixing and start connecting again.

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Transcript

This transcript has not been formatted or edited.

0:01

I’m Heather after many wasted years, trying outdated, approaches to my daughter’s addiction, that felt wrong to me harmed.

Our relationship and didn’t help my daughter.

I finally found an effective evidence-based approach.

0:16

That repair my relationship with her helped me.

Create my own peace of mind and made me an ally in my daughter’s recovery.

I teach you a loving and compassionate approach to help you encourage change.

And create connection addiction impacts the entire family system.

0:35

Family recovery is the answer.

Before I get started today, I’d like to ask for a favor.

If the living with addiction podcast has helped you please help me out by following the podcast and also leaving a review on the Apple podcast app.

0:58

Both of those things help other people who need help from this podcast, find it and it also helps me.

Okay, that’s it.

So I’m with the episode I find myself talking to a lot of clients about this lately and it also came up quite a bit during the live Q&A portion of the craft Workshop that Beth cybersyn and I from safe home podcast just finished.

1:26

We got so many questions that started with how can I get my child to fill in the blank?

Whatever they wanted their child to do, whether it was go to meetings or counseling or get a job, find a place to live and there’s nothing wrong with those questions.

1:46

I mean, that’s the purpose of the workshop and coaching is to give you answers to those questions but we can’t force our kids to do anything.

We can create the best possible conditions or environment for it to happen though.

2:03

My sister has a garden and she’s growing all these beautiful vegetables, tomatoes, and cucumbers.

Lettuce squash a bunch of other vegetables, but the corn that she planted isn’t growing, and she did the best that she could to create the right conditions for growing, but she didn’t get everything that she wanted to grow this time, but that doesn’t mean that she’s a failure as a gardener She’s going to keep trying and eventually the corn will grow.

2:34

But there’s also no guarantees connection creates the right environment for your relationship and it also creates the environment for changes in your child.

But again, you aren’t guaranteed which seed, you plant will grow the way you want them to.

2:54

There’s such a fine line between help and support.

Art that comes from a place of love and fixing that comes from a place of fear, and I’ve been in both of those places so many times.

I mean, I totally get it.

3:11

It’s just a fine line that sometimes we can find ourselves on the wrong side of.

I could always tell how I was doing, like where I was, which side of the line.

I was on by how I felt when I was interacting with my daughter, if I felt desperate needy.

3:30

Pushy powerless, or I was taking things personally, then I was coming from a place of fear but when I felt confident, loving open or centered, then I knew I was coming from a place of love, which is where I wanted to come from.

3:50

I want you to stop and pause long enough to check in with what you’re feeling in your body.

If you’re coming from a centered place of love, then keep doing what?

You’re doing but also keep listening because we both know that it’s so easy to slip back into fear.

4:07

If you find yourself in fear, when you check in with your body, then I want you to shift your focus from fixing to connecting.

That’s your safety zone.

Connecting is your safety zone.

You don’t want to be trying to fix them because that’s just going to push them away from you.

4:26

Stay focused on connection while you’re getting.

Ed and centered again so that you can regroup and get a new plan.

If checking, in with your body, didn’t work for you.

Here’s three other ways to know when you’re getting like grass p and you want to fix them rather than focusing on connecting.

4:49

Number one, you feel disconnected from them, we’re not as close as you were to them before.

So, relationships change, there’s an ebb and flow.

But you can feel the difference.

Number two, they’re pulling away from you or avoiding you in this one is so tricky, right?

5:09

Because as soon as you see that and you feel it happening like you know they’re pulling away.

You start to panic and get even more grass, P if you don’t stop and get re-centered.

And course that Panic again is just going to push them away.

5:25

And number three, there’s all this scheming going on in your brain.

You’re trying to think of just the right things to do and say so that they’ll do whatever it is that you want them to do.

Here are three ways to connect and get out of the fixing energy.

5:45

The first one is to keep your conversations in the safe zone for a while, that means only talking about non-threatening things things that, you know, your child is going to be okay, with and respond to So, with Alana some non-threatening things that I could talk to her about was energy.

6:06

Healing crystals meditation, stories about my dog asking about her dog sharing, like what was going on in the life of family members or friends that she knew, fun things that I’ve done recently food.

6:25

I would keep a list of things in my phone to talk to her about so I could refer to it.

When I felt awkward and I didn’t know what to say, the second thing that you can do to connect and get out of that.

Fixing energy, is do things that your child likes to do?

6:44

I know a lot of times, we want to ask them to do things, we like to do and the things that your child likes to do might not even appeal to you, but it’s such a small sacrifice for our connection with them, because I want you to remember that connection.

7:00

Equals influence in their life, not to mention.

I mean, connection feels good.

It feels good to us, it feels good to them, try making specific plans, like don’t just suggest oh we should do this sometime.

Like make a specific plan that you have like an appointment for basically, in there were times that Helena, you know, all I could get her to do with me was I was just taking her to the driving, her to the McDonald’s.

7:29

Drive-thru, And a lot of times that was the only time that we spent together, and I made the most out of it, and that was because things were just so bad with her addiction.

At that time that she didn’t feel comfortable being away from home for very long.

7:45

So, I would just take her to the drive-through, but I made the most out of that time that I had with her.

So, I understand how much work, this takes some times, but there were also other times that went home and I was Trying to get sober but she was really struggling or, you know, she was kind of for the time, she was just smoking.

8:08

Pop, she wasn’t doing any of the harder drugs, which was a huge harm reduction, but she wasn’t into doing much still at that time.

So, we spent a lot of time watching videos on YouTube together.

I even watched other people play video games.

I don’t even play video games, but I was watching other people play video games or sometimes.

8:28

I would lay in bed with her and just Watch shows that she really loved, but I wasn’t particularly interested in them, but just having that time to connect with her and spend time with her was enough, it really didn’t matter what we were doing, because that’s not what it’s about.

8:45

It’s just about connection.

And sometimes I love doing those things just because it was with her and she was my priority, the third thing that you can do to connect with your child in this might, It sound a little bit different but it’s important and that’s connecting with yourself and taking care of yourself, your relationship with, you sets, the tone, for all, your other relationships.

9:13

So you have to take care of that relationship, and you have to take care of yourself.

And when you do that, you’re way more fun to be around.

You have a totally different energy.

It’s a much more attractive energy than repelling and also like when you do fun things with your friends and family Only instead of obsessing about your child or how your attempts to connect aren’t working.

9:37

Well, you create better conditions for growing that connection, just like the garden example that I gave earlier, and of course there’s way more ways to connect.

That’s just three examples to get your ideas churning and this episode is just meant to create awareness about if you’re connecting our fixing and give you some ideas to get started with connecting and always remember drop any self-judgment if you realize you’re in fixing mode, like, it’s okay, be kind to yourself.

10:13

You’re doing the best you can in a difficult situation.

It happens to all of us, we might go in and out of between fixing and connection multiple times in the same day.

So be is kind to yourself as you can.

10:30

If this podcast has been helping you with your child or just bringing you more peace in general, use the link in the show, notes to sign up for a call with me.

And if you know another parent that has a child struggling with addiction, please share this podcast with them.

10:46

It is a great way to support them and support the living with addiction podcast at the same time.

Thank you for listening to this episode.

If you want to learn more about my work, go to Heather.

Ross coaching.com if you want to help other parents who are struggling with a child’s addiction, you can do it two different ways.

11:06

First, you can share the podcast with them directly or you can share it on your social media second.

You can leave a review, talk to you next week.

Thank you for listening to this episode.

If you want to learn more about my work, go to Heather.

Ross coaching.com if you want to help other parents who are struggling with a child’s addiction, you can do it two different ways.

First, you can share the podcast with them directly or you can share it on your social media second.

You can leave a review, talk to you next week.