EP 56 Rehab Expectations VS Reality From A Mother’s Perspective

Living With Your Child's Addiction Podcast
Living With Your Child's Addiction Podcast
EP 56 Rehab Expectations VS Reality From A Mother's Perspective
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Heather and returning guest Kelly Hatcher talk about what it was like when their kids went to rehab. They both experienced a major gap between their expectations about what rehab and sobriety would be like vs reality. Addiction and recovery are complex. Rehab and sobriety are stops on a lifetime journey. They are not destinations. Heather and Kelly hope that that by sharing their experience it will make rehab and sobriety easier for you and help you support your child as well.

3 things you’ll take away from the episode:

The unrealistic expectations Heather and Kelly had before their kids went to rehab (maybe you have the same expectations)

Their reality check – what the experience was really like

Heather & Kelly’s advice for you based on their experiences with multiple rehabs

Episodes to Listen to next:

Episode #34 What To Do When You’re In A Funk (guest Kelly Hatcher)

Episode #52 Why Parents Need Recovery Too

Episode #30 Celebrating Your Life In The Middle of Addiction (guest Kelly Hatcher)

Kelly Hatcher’s Website:

https://newdayfamilyrecovery.com/

If his podcast has helped you, please help Heather reach other parents by leaving a review. Leaving a review is like referring the podcast to someone who needs it. You can also share the podcast directly with other parents or share it on social media. Make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss any new episodes.

If you want coaching about your child’s addiction or anything else Sign up for a 45 minute $17 call with me using the link below

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery

Additional resources:

GROUP COACHING PROGRAM – Join the waitlist – New Group Starting soon! Be the first to get details. https://heatherrosscoaching.com/peace-of-mind-community/

Sign up for my free guide 3 Steps To Stay Sane When Your Child Is Struggling with Addiction – How to Move Forward With Confidence TODAY http://heatherrosscoaching.com/3-simple-steps/

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Join the free Facebook group for parents who are struggling with a child’s addiction

Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/heather-ross9/message

Transcript

This transcript has not been formatted or edited.

0:01

I’m Heather after many wasted years, trying outdated, approaches to my daughter’s addiction, that felt wrong to me harmed.

Our relationship and didn’t help my daughter.

I finally found an effective evidence-based approach.

0:16

That repair my relationship with her helped me.

Create my own peace of mind and made me an ally in my daughter’s recovery.

I teach you a loving and compassionate approach to help you encourage change.

And create connection addiction impacts the entire family system.

0:35

Family recovery is the answer.

Hi everybody.

I have another great guest for you today, you’re going to get three things out of today’s episode 1.

The unrealistic, expectations that Kelly and I had about rehab before our kids went number two, our reality checks of what it was like when our kids went to rehab.

1:05

So what our experiences we’re really like versus what we thought they would be like and three.

Our personal advice about rehab based on our experiences, we want you to understand what it’s really like, because there was a major difference between what we expected before we experienced rehab, and then the reality of what it was really like and Kelly.

1:33

And I were both just in the deep end of the swimming pool, trying to learn how to swim when our kids went to rehab.

Like, we’re just learning as we went.

So we want to share whatever we can to make the experience, easier on you and hopefully more healing for your child when they are ready to go to rehab.

1:51

We also help this hope that this helps you surrender to the work that you need to do on yourself to have the tools to support yourself and your child through the experience of addiction and Recovery.

Because rehab is just one step in their Journey.

2:08

No matter how bad your child wants to get and stay sober addiction is very complex and so is recovery.

And they could require multiple rehabs to stay sober.

When you work on yourself and you have a plan for family recovery, you can create a different experience for yourself and your family because you have the tools to Pivot and support as needed.

2:35

Then you also aren’t so dependent on the experts and I’m are quoting here.

When I say experts all experts are just humans.

Trying to figure it out.

Try to do the best they can.

So you really need to have as much of an understanding of addiction and recovery and treatment as you can on your own so that you can follow your intuition.

3:03

Be an active participant in the process.

That’s a lot of what we share in this episode today.

So before you listen to the interview, I want to share that.

I have an offer for anybody who leaves me a review or has already left me a review.

3:19

When you write a review, or you share the podcast with another parent, you share it in a support group, post about it on social media, you are giving me a referral and that is how My business grows that is how the podcast reaches more parents, that need it and you are helping those parents who are looking for answers.

3:42

Like, we all were at some point and as a by-product you’re even helping their child.

If you help a parent, there’s no doubt that you’re helping their child to.

So a lot of times I intend to do something and then I forget.

So I figured I’d give you incentive to remember.

3:58

That always helps my brain.

I’m giving away my organize, your life.

In mind, digital workbook to everybody that leaves me a podcast review and sends me a picture of the review because I can’t tell who has left me the review so you have to take a picture of it and email it to me.

4:18

And if you are ready left me a review.

Thank you so much.

You can still email me a picture of it and I’ll send you the workbook to the workbook helps.

You let go of outdated thoughts beliefs and possessions All that mental and physical clutter, because being organized is a great way to operate your mind and life at the highest level.

4:42

If you’re anything like me, when my space is really cluttered and my mind is really cluttered, it is just so hard to function.

But when my house in my car in my brain are clean and clear it out and uncluttered, it gives me so much Clarity and peace of mind.

5:01

If you have already worked with me, And you completed the Peace of Mind program.

The organize your life in mind workbook is based on the same boat philosophy but it is different.

It’s a Fresh Approach and it applies to your home and brain.

5:17

So you might appreciate just the tune-up of going through this information again and when you go through information and you hear it, a little different helps you to process and understand it.

5:33

At a deeper level and there’s one more thing at the end of July.

I’m going to draw one name from everybody who sent me a review and give that person a free one hour coaching session.

So, here’s a quick recap, write the review on Apple podcast, which was formerly iTunes.

5:56

Once the review posts, which takes about two days, you’ll say you’ll have to go back and check for it.

Do a screenshot, email me a picture of it to Heather.

Heather Ross, coaching.com.

I’ll put that email address in the show notes, then I will send you back the organize, your life in mind.

6:15

Digital workbook, within 24 hours, and your name will go in the drawing for the free one hour coaching session and I will announce who won.

That’s it.

So send me your reviews after you do them and enjoy the rest of the episode.

6:33

Hi everybody.

Today we have Kelly Hatcher on.

We were talking on the phone last week and we got talking about rehab somehow and we were like we need to do an episode about the reality versus what we used to believe about rehab.

6:50

So Kelly’s been on the episode twice, sir on the podcast twice already, the first time was episode number 30 where she shared her journey with her son’s addiction and the second time, She guest-hosted for me was on episode number 34.

7:06

That’s when I was going through my breast cancer surgeries last summer, and things weren’t going that great.

But everybody loved that episode.

I’ve had a lot of great comments about like when you’re in a funk that like somebody even said, like, oh yeah, I was searching that and I was just in a funk that day and you actually had a podcast about it so that’s funny.

7:28

And then unfortunately, since the last time Kelly was We gained one more thing in common and Kelly has been on her own cancer Journey since the last time she was here.

So Kelly, do you want to first?

I want to say thank you for coming on again.

7:45

Yeah.

And do you want to give us an update on what’s been going on with you and your journey and your then we’ll see what’s going on with your son as well?

Absolutely Journey.

That’s the nice words to say, you know, in my head, I’m thinking show but you know, Journey sounds really nice too.

8:02

To I was diagnosed with tonsil cancer back in October, thought there was like a chip or something caught in my throat and zup.

It was a tumor, not a smoker.

It literally caught us off guard.

8:17

No cancer in my family, so it was something that was aggressive.

And so they had to do chemo and radiation at the same time had 33 treatments that just I thought was killing me, I’ve never felt more pain in my life.

8:37

I was hospitalized for a couple of my 10 days, I think it was total lost a ton of weight, the whole back of my hair came out because of the radiation, not the chemo, which is the normal case.

But as of now and we’re in June, the tumor is gone.

8:55

Now, just doing maintenance every month, I have to go get it checked out, but it’s getting better.

I can starting to eat again which you know, I lived on chicken broth and bone broth for way too long and no taste buds and then no saliva glands.

9:11

I mean it just it wrecks you.

So it’s kind of like our journey with our kids with addiction of it’s never going to be the same ever, ever, ever.

Your body will never be the same, but you have a new norm, and you have to get used to this new norm and it’s going to take time, And nothing happens overnight.

9:34

So I very much correlated with Jake’s addiction because it’s never going to be the same and the new Norm changes all the time.

Just like my body’s changing all the time and I just have to celebrate the day that I’m in of.

9:52

You know, what today is going to be a good day and I’m going to make it the best I can and I do the same thing when I think about my son of okay, here we are again.

And you know he is currently in a Sober living house while I was going through my crap, he relapsed twice.

10:09

The first one was right at the beginning of my treatments.

So I was still strong enough to just be frustrated again.

Here we go, again, I am Mama, but the second time I was in the hospital and I was Weak-minded, weak, Spirit.

10:28

Everything was weak on my body, and I just lost it.

I’ve never liked just cried and cried.

They put me on antidepressants, while I was in the hospital and they were like, you need something.

And I went on him for a while, and then I got to a point where I was just numb and I had no feelings being on those.

10:47

So for me, I needed to get off of them.

But he’s sober, he’s got probably two and a half months sober, again, he is Dover from heroin, use shooting up to fentanyl.

So fentanyl.

Now it was his drug of choice which you and I talk, we share with families that we’re both doing, you know, recovery coaching for families and we warn them.

11:11

Everything is laced with fentanyl kids are dying left and right on Fentanyl and here my own child is searching out fentanyl to use which just mind-blowing to me because he’s so stinking smart.

Art and the choices of drug choices.

11:29

Just I mean, any drug Choice.

It was horrible, but I meant.

Come on.

What are you doing?

So, you know, I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t even think too much about how long he’s been sober.

Because unfortunately, like I know the signs.

11:46

Now, I know when I talked to him on the phone, I can tell in his voice, I can tell by when he shares, I’m just really tired.

And I’m so, Tired.

I’m always wanting to sleep.

It’s already a red flag for me and I think I shared with you last week, I feel it coming again, it’s around the corner and I just hate to get that phone call once again, but it’s been 11 years of going through this with him and I can’t even tell you I, you know, I was trying to get my mom and I when I told her I was coming back on and we’re talking about the rehabs.

12:19

We were trying to figure out how many rehabs he’s been in.

It’s been over 25.

So I really I couldn’t even tell Tell you like some of them he repeat he’s a repeat customer, so he’s been to a few a couple times but yeah, at the craziness.

So I’m excited about the rehab verse reality.

12:37

Let’s get this party started.

Yeah.

And I just wanted to comment that it is hard enough, dealing with your child’s addiction and then when you’re going through your own battle with your health, it is just a whole new low of then really not even being able to Support them because I felt that powerlessness last summer with Elana do so but I’m glad that we both at least had the skill set to manage through this and lean on each other at different times.

13:10

That helped me tremendously through all of that as well.

Yeah, I think we both felt the same way.

I mean we’re both single moms and we both are 100% involved in.

Just our kid and it just gets hard when you want to give all your you can to your child and you’re so frail and weak, you can’t even help and it just it, I think it messed with my mind.

13:36

So badly of, I’m a strong woman and when I can’t feel strong, it just messes with me big time.

Yeah.

Me too.

Yeah, that was the hardest part for me, laying in bed, all those months.

So I totally get that.

So we’re going to talk about some of the things first that we believe.

13:56

Like that rehab would be like when we finally got our kids to that magical place and then the reality of what it was like because because I think, when you’re finding out real time, it’s so hard sometimes to be supportive or to be even prepared.

14:12

So you said, Jake’s been 225 rehabs right around there and okay.

So helana she was so resistant to going to rehab.

She only went to three total.

What about detoxes?

Did you go to any of those first?

14:29

Definitely, definitely did the detox.

Then this little bit of the rehab in the sober, living the IOP, the PHP.

You give me an acronym.

I can do a little dance for you.

Now, with all the little acronyms, we have for where kids have been, so yeah, he’s probably been to more detoxes than I’m aware of because obviously he lived on the streets for a while as well.

14:52

So any time he needed to go into an ER, or There are many times I don’t know because he’s on my ex-husband’s insurance.

So I don’t even see the insurance bills anymore, which is kind of a blessing in disguise.

15:07

So I like that how to set it, where ignorance is bliss sometimes because if I didn’t know, if I knew every single time, you went into a detox that could have been really scary as well.

Yeah, because before Helena was willing to go to rehab, she did go to Just detox places now.

15:26

Now, like normally, when somebody goes into rehab, there’s like the detox phase, the partial hospitalization and then the Intensive outpatient, phase cry.

But before she was going to commit to a rehab, she went to several detoxes.

She never, I don’t think she stayed in one even 24 hours and she tried Suboxone a couple of times and methadone wants.

15:48

But again, it was just her being becoming like, opening up to the reality of how hard she was going to.

After work at getting sober, so what you want to give some of your what you thought it was going to be like before you experienced it.

16:08

Okay?

So Jake’s First Rehab was a junior in high school.

So he was right around 16, 17 in the 60s, he was 16.

Actually, my very first thought was so I have an a sister who struggled and so I kind of knew about Rehabs because in the family but obviously I never worried about I thought too much about it.

16:33

So in my head I thought okay 28 days.

That’s what they’re going to.

Give them is 28 days.

They’re going to work their magic.

They got their magic wands in there and then in 28 days, he’ll come back home.

He’ll be normal and we will live happily ever after.

16:49

Like that was my biggest thought, sending him to a rehab is they’re going to fix him and he’ll be normal.

And aren’t our life will be normal again, go back to the way it was before, right?

Exactly.

Everything’s going to be great.

I know when you and I talked about that during this episode, you and I were cracking up laughing and we don’t mean to be laughing.

17:10

Hopefully you’re laughing with us and not getting pissed.

About, why are they laughing at this?

This is not a laughing matter and we get it.

It’s not when you’ve been down it for so long and you now have your blinders or completely off, you have a different perspective.

17:26

Effective of what rehabs are.

So please please don’t take it that we’re being disrespectful because we promised you we’ve been there and we get it and we’re definitely not doing that to you guys.

Yeah and it’s a definitely a really important coping skill for me to be able to laugh about it and Helena and I we had when she got sober, so many calls were we would face time and we would laugh about all the times that she threatened to kill me and all the There’s stuff that you did never think about laughing with your kids.

17:59

But this after you’ve been through such intense circumstances, you just have to be able to laugh about it.

You can’t sit in that seriousness all the time, but we do also not mean to disrespect how hard this is for somebody who is new in this and doesn’t think any of its funny at all, we get it.

18:18

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And I had a very similar belief that I just had to get her there.

Like if I could just get her to agree, to go to rehab that everything would be okay.

That like my work will be done.

18:35

She’s going to come out fixed actually think.

I thought that word fixed which now is just horrible, but it to me was like, that was like the end goal.

That was it?

Like you just get her into rehab?

And everything’s going to be okay?

Like and that’s where it ends and the fairy tale begins.

18:52

So I had totally will go to the reality of that.

My reality was like, that was just well.

The first rehab, I mean, she ran away after two days.

I think and they kept my money, right?

It was paying cash for that one, but it what I’ve learned is, you know, then there was the second rehab, which was she was just so resistant to it, but it was really almost, like, just getting her out of everything.

19:23

Long enough to give her a chance for For survival.

But and then the when I’m going to talk about that experience a little bit more later but then the third time, different experience started off a little bit wild in there.

19:39

But then she settled in and really was finally realized, and kind of surrendered to how hard she was going to have to work at being sober.

She was a different person that third time around willing to do the work, but it was was just again, even that third time she got out, her sobriety was so fragile.

20:01

You know, she had to go to sober living that time and we know how things ended up she ended up relapsing and dying from fentanyl poisoning.

So even though she was working really, really hard at it and made huge changes that is just one step on.

20:18

Hopefully, a very long journey.

Yeah.

What was your reality check?

But what it was really like, not what I’ve got a few of those, I think once he got home, I realized this is just a beginning of a long road ahead of me.

20:38

Like it hit me that they didn’t fix him.

He’s a different kid still.

And this is going to be a long journey.

This isn’t the quick Sprint.

It’s going to be a marathon.

And I think that scared me a lot of holy Crap.

20:55

We’re going to be dealing with this kind of behaviors.

They didn’t fix the behaviors.

They didn’t fix the addiction and that’s scary.

It was a dang it.

I wanted the magic wand.

What happened to the magic wand?

21:10

It didn’t happen.

Yeah, you have to really surrender to accepting this is not a Sprint.

This is a lifelong, the marathon.

Yeah, yeah.

That’s a scary one.

Another one that in my Ed when they said, okay.

21:26

So we have family meetings and they’re the first Wednesday of every month.

And then we do the families get together once a week on this day and it was like a 2-hour drive, but I went, I was going for Jake.

21:42

I didn’t need any help.

I just like he’s the one with the problem.

I’m just going to support my son to be there and obviously of the reality of that one is I needed a lot of help and I was in denial for a very long time that this is his problem.

22:02

He needs help.

Not me, and my background is counseling, I’m a counselor, I knew better, but when it’s your own child, it was like okay I thought I was trying everything I can to fix him and I needed to take those blinders off again and realize.

22:20

Okay, I need some help with in this to.

So the reality was Boy, I need a lot of help and I wasn’t doing I should have been doing it for me.

Many of those times and I wasn’t.

So that was a huge slap in the face, for me.

Yeah, that’s a good lead into one of my beliefs that are one of my hopes and dreams.

22:41

I guess you’d say about rehab was that I thought that in this is just I want to be clear, our experience.

There might be other and I’m sure there are other amazing rehabs out there.

R.

But this was with really good insurance and like we had amazing Insurance.

23:01

The last two times she went to rehab and so these were some really expensive places they.

I believe that they would be professionally staffed fully staffed and that they would be experts that they would have like a comprehensive care plan that they could, they all say they can handle co-occurring disorders.

23:24

So I Expected, they would be able to address her eating disorder along with her addiction because it was always if one went down a little then the other ticked up there was just this never being able to manage both of them at the same time.

And I also expected that we would get family therapy.

23:44

And I believed all the things that they told me, right?

Like, their sales brochure.

Oh yeah, marketing is their biggest moneymaker is amazing.

Yes, yes, yes.

That I believed all the stuff that they told me what happened would happen and the reality was that they were generally very understaffed that I couldn’t get ahold of anybody.

24:11

Like the first-place Atlanta went to.

She was 15 and I was we’re all just in a panic, right?

Like I was the last thing I wanted to do was turn my daughter over to these people but I was so desperate.

I didn’t know what else to do.

But one of the things that sold me There was they told me I could call and check on her 24 hours a day.

24:28

Well after she got there, I could call and ask but nobody would tell me anything.

I had to talk to her counselor who was so overworked that she could not respond to any of my questions so I never could call and check on her.

24:44

I could call but nobody would tell me anything.

It was so frustrating and scary because like she’s never really been away from me though long before.

So and then Then, with the other rehabs that she went to, there was always like one part of the program that was really great and then things would kind of fall off on the other part, like the detox and PHP would be great, the partial hospitalization, but then when she would go to IOP, everything would just totally drop off and her, she’d have like an amazing counselor but you really couldn’t get access to her.

25:20

And I think that we’ve had two total families.

Actions out of all three rehabs, they would make a lot of appointments with me and then they wouldn’t even cancel them or anything.

They just didn’t show up.

That’s ridiculous it.

Right?

And I would have to text them and say hey we have an appointment they’re like oh yeah I ended up taking today off like not even apology tomorrow and I’ve planned my whole day around this appointment, right?

25:47

And the only time we ever actually did family counseling that counselor just was not equipped to manage.

Manage Helena’s level of anger at the time it was like, before we had mended things in our relationship and it was actually really damaging.

26:04

So it’s really important to not just take their words for things.

If you can go there and meet people and see things even better, like really totally worth checking it out.

But another thing was, a lot of the services they offer, I would be pushing to get those like they helped them get on food stamps.

26:24

And the person who did that was the person who collected the rent, and she would call me for rent, but never returned.

My calls for help with food stamps because she was too busy.

And, you know, I needed to understand how under staff they were even though they’re charging my insurance three thousand dollars a day.

So that was a huge reality check for me.

26:43

That things are not.

Like definitely every rehab is completely different.

The standards are different everywhere and we’re going to talk about this more later but Checking it out is so important.

I agree I put for one of my rehabs is that again kind of like what you were just saying that Mark won’t the marketing and when you read about it when you go on to their web sites, when you talk to them on the phone, no the person you’re talking to their the salesperson.

27:14

They are like the used car salesman, who are trying to make a sale.

They want you and they want your insurance.

So when you’re seeing the all the hoop, Pause and they have yoga by the pool and then they do, they have a workout that they do every day and they do this.

27:33

It sounds phenomenal.

Like, he’s going to add a spy or something and reality is.

If he didn’t want to work out, they didn’t make them work out.

So it just was.

And the gym is like this nasty little play.

It just when I thought things would be individualized for Jake.

27:52

I thought he would get individual counseling.

Every read a again, you’re paying that kind of money.

How many group counseling can you have?

Because there is way too much of the group counseling.

I feel versus the individual counseling and when we would do the family counseling, I figured out he’s not getting the one-on-one.

28:15

And so that was the reality was okay.

These counselors again, understaffed but they’re also a lot of them are Experience the are coming straight out of college because it’s an easy job to get because they’re so understaffed.

28:30

So they’re always looking for people but they may not be equipped for our type of kids or spouses.

Because if you’re listening to this, you’re already probably dealing with something in regards to this.

And, you know, that your loved one is an amazing bullshitter.

28:50

They like they know how to lie better than anything.

You know, I used to tell Jake you need to get into acting like you would be such a great actor, dude.

Like you were amazing because he would go in and he would be as his way with these counselors.

29:07

And then when you listen to everybody else’s story when you’re in group, you know, people are talking about they maybe have been raped or molested or their dad was a drunk and to be dumb and like these horriffic stories and Jake didn’t happen.

29:24

Those stories.

So he would tell me he started making up stories because he wanted to fit in with everybody else’s stories and it just blew my mind that nobody was calling him out on it.

So they weren’t doing enough individualized to find out.

29:42

Okay, why are you so, like, what is it?

That is your trigger, what is going on and he didn’t get that.

So I feel that the reality was too much of the group, not enough of the individual.

Alized and working on the Dual diagnosis type stuff, like you said as well.

29:59

Like I thought dual diagnosis me to, you’re going to hit both areas of concern and it wasn’t happening whatsoever so that was a huge one for me as well.

Yeah and I just want to say like none of this is meant to discourage, it’s just meant to make your research process more thorough and to set reasonable expectations.

30:25

Right?

Because those were talking, I’m like, oh my gosh, if I was listening to this and I faith, I know, it doesn’t sound like we’re bashing rehabs.

I can tell you.

There have been some great rehabs.

Jake’s have Jake has been too great.

Like the accountability the communication.

30:41

Like I know when I’ve gone in, I’ve had the family really impressed, really impressed.

It’s just finding them.

And again, it’s your loved one that has As 21.

It it is not me or you or the counselor who needs to want it.

31:01

They can’t fix our loved one.

It has to be your loved.

One needs to want this.

And for myself my kids not there yet.

He’s I mean, he says he is over and over again, but his actions speak louder.

31:17

And so, as of right now, he’s not he’s not there and please, no, that’s not what I was thinking.

Same thing.

Heather, like, oh crap.

Are we in fashion?

We’re going to get rehabs calling us telling us you guys suck and that’s not the case.

We are just trying to make your blinders, come off a little wider to see the bigger picture and don’t get caught up thinking.

31:39

One Rehab is the answer, it is, this is going to fix some but this place is so beautiful and amazing, not always get caught up.

I’m like, how I could just see her, they’re laying by their beautiful pool.

They had a picture of you now.

Living Being the life.

31:55

I wanted her to live and you get caught up in that emotional.

But with hole, and I do want to say that even though we dealt with these things, she made progress each time she went to rehab things did change because she was ready to make changes in both of those places.

32:13

It was difficult.

Like it was just hard as hell for her but she was willing to do the work and even though they were understaffed and things weren’t perfect, She made changes.

So I want you to hear that part for sure.

And just know that hearing these things is going to make your expectations more reasonable and make you more educated and able to ask the right questions and maybe even willing to go visit a place if you can or something like that.

32:39

So you can really see things in action.

So my third thing was that, I believed that I had before was that?

I would get a break when she gets her him.

Like I really like thought, okay?

Now I’m going to breathe a sigh of relief that they’re going to take care of her.

32:59

I’m not going to have to worry about her finally and the reality was the first time she ran away within a couple of days and so he or she is away from home, she was only 15 at the time.

I didn’t even know where she was.

She’s out hitchhiking and she course took like three other young girls with her and then the second time when she went to a rehab as an adult, they she was Oh, she like, wanted to be there, but didn’t and all I can say is she’s like a wild animal.

33:29

And there she was like, threatening to kill people, and she was calling me constantly telling me to get her out of there.

And then five minutes later, I talked to her and she’d sound amazing.

Everything was fine.

And it was this up and down, and the rehab was calling me asking me, or they’re like, she’s walking out the door right now.

33:50

Can you talk her into staying?

You know, another time she was already out.

Out the door and they’re FaceTiming.

Me, and with the second rehab, it was a little bit more stable but still the meaning heavily on me to kind of try to rein her in, so it was never relaxing.

34:09

It was still it was even more of me managing my mind even more of me using my skills.

Because the thing was, I was used to what it took to live with her in active addiction.

I was used to the life.

She was living before this was completely different.

34:27

My brain was like, there is so much at stake, right now, I’ve we’ve got to make this work, no matter what.

And so, there was just this, I had a heightened sense of that fight, or flight and fear and everything out.

So, it was far from relaxing.

34:44

I don’t know about your experience.

So you think at that, good night sleep, you were wishing for the 28 days.

So so mine is a little different on that one.

So Jake.

Never.

Tried to run away ever.

I think he was like, oh wait, I’ve got a bed.

I can sleep in here.

Like this is pretty sweet.

35:00

So never had that problem and the rehabs really never called me.

So, unless I called them and got on like the nagging roller coaster of, can you tell me how he is?

Can I talk to his counselor?

I want to get a heads up, unless I was that nagging mom.

35:19

And luckily Jake still to this day.

He always signs that consent form.

For them to talk to me, he has never in all his years has never refused to do that, which honestly is a blessing because when your child or loved one, doesn’t find that you are out of touch and that’s even scarier to not know what’s happening inside of there.

35:42

So luckily he didn’t have that problem and again, like I said, I had, I’ve had some good counselors who literally will give me a quick text during the day of great session with Jake he Did step one.

Those are the kind of things that that reassurance really helped me as I was on the backside waiting to get.

36:03

Okay, how are things going?

So that was really helpful for me.

Another thing that I really got is that okay Jake was at this point where his friends didn’t want to hang out with them anymore because he was partying.

So we lost all those friends who is new friends were the drugging guys and they were all partying and I just don’t want him to hang out with them.

36:24

So I kind of thought, okay, he’s going to go in there.

He’s going to meet the other people who are getting sober and this is going to be great.

And unfortunately, how that turned out was he if it’s a co-ed, My Reality Part is, if you have a Casanova child who wants to hook up with every person they can make sure that you are aware.

36:45

If it’s a coed, or just girl just guy.

I mean, for me, we needed to keep Jake away from the girls because that he would work more on Are problems and support them than wanting to fix themselves.

So, that was a huge thing.

And then the friends he did make, you know, afterwards he’s like Mom, will you drive me two hours, to go meet?

37:06

We’re going to a meeting together.

You know, he’s a really good guy.

And here’s sucker, mom, would drive him to go meet his new friend and they go and party.

So that was something that I wasn’t thinking through and him sharing afterwards of a lot of these, Haves, he learned more about different drugs, different ways to use drugs like he’d never did benzos in his life in his life benzos were not his thing, and then he goes to a rehab, he meets a girl hooks up with her and her drug of choice was benzos and that was one of the worst drugs.

37:46

I think even worse than the heroine honestly, for me for my, my own personal looking at him and how he handled it.

But He got her on heroin and she got him on benzos.

So you always take these chances and no matter.

38:02

What’s the scenario its life.

This is what you have to realize that these are possibilities.

So, keep your eyes, your ears open asked a ton of questions.

Make sure you’re feeling comfortable and it’s consistent, we’re saying 28 days, you know, there’s been times that Jake’s been there for 45 days.

38:24

One was Almost 2 months.

So they can change based on your insurance based on your in your child’s individual needs.

So if they can push it with your insurance, it could be more than that 28 days as well.

So those are things that you just need the squeaky wheel gets heard.

38:41

And I just if someone says no to you ask for a supervisor asked to speak to somebody else, do not give up on your loved one.

That’s one of my biggest things is that I think a lot of My parents are like, all right there in rehab, my hands are up.

38:57

I’m done.

I can’t do this anymore type of thing and you can’t have that mentality.

Like, I don’t think we give up.

I know his parents.

I have two boys and neither of them I would ever like, do I hate them sometimes?

Absolutely, but it’s their choices that I hate not them.

39:14

So it is one of those things you have to realize that I know Jake’s not doing this to piss me off, it has nothing to do about me.

About Keith struggling and this is killing him and he knows it is but he can’t.

39:30

He just hasn’t wrapped his head around it yet.

And so I have to come in with all the support.

I’ll be his biggest cheerleader for the rest of his life to make sure he gets through this.

And, you know, I’m hoping he does.

Yeah.

Yeah, that’s so hard and I wanted to just bring that up about the insurance that if you’re not paying cash and your insurance company is paying paying their running the show.

39:56

Like there would be a lot of times the rehab would say like she needs longer time and detox or she needs longer time and PHP or even IOP and they would try to get it.

But the insurance would say no even though she obviously needed it.

So that was some.

40:12

Another thing that I was not prepared for how much influence the insurance has.

So they might need more care than they get.

There’s really just a all of this like I was thinking like we just have to be as educated and prepared as possible because when they come out they are going to be just like so fragile in their sobriety and like, that’s like what Kelly said, we have to work on ourselves and we have to be having our own Journey so that we are equipped to be able to support our kids in that fragile place.

40:56

Was there anything else?

That was the end of my beliefs versus reality?

Did you have any other ones?

It’s no.

I think we hit a lot of them together.

Let me look at the realities if I had, you know, usually when you come out of rehab especially if they’re a minor, they come up with a contract or a plan of action when they leave and you sign it as the parent, your child signs it, and then the counselor signs it.

41:23

And this, Is the Golden Rule and this is how it’s going to help you forever.

And within the first week of, okay, you have a curfew of 10:00 or you have, you know, you can’t leave your dishes in the room, you have to be part of the family.

41:40

I mean there were so many rules on these stupid contracts and it was a joke.

It was the piece of paper that meant absolutely nothing to my son and even though he’s like, yeah, I don’t care if you want me to sign it.

Like all right, that piece out.

41:55

Now, I can leave her getting out of here.

Exactly.

So for me that was something about it.

That’s another one that I have on here.

Oh, another one is, I realized that when he first came home each time, I felt like I was walking on eggshells.

42:12

I never wanted him to get too anxious or too upset because I was afraid that might be a trigger to want to go used and what ended up happening.

Here I am, you know, catering and of course obviously didn’t set any boundaries at that time in my life.

42:31

And I just was trying to appease him and make sure he was settled.

But then I started noticing he’d say, oh I’m going to go walk the dog, or I’m going to go do this and all of a sudden those red flags were going off in my head of oh shit.

42:47

He’s going to go use, let me go check his phone, let me go.

Look in his room and let me go through his drawers.

So when you think that they They go to rehab, they’re going to come back and we talked about the normality coming home and you’re going to be normal.

It’s not the trust, takes a long.

Long time to build back up and they need to earn it.

43:06

It’s not something that you have to demand, you can’t demand it, they have to earn it so realizing that if they’re going to go take the dog for a walk.

Say, okay, I’ll see you in 15 minutes and then if they’re not back in, I mean I can tell you how many times Jake said, I’m going to go down to the beach.

43:24

For a half an hour.

And now it’s six hours later and he’s still not home.

Okay, red flag.

You’re a liar.

And then there goes the trust one more time, and we’re back to square one, and it’s such a challenge because you want to be that Mom, that trust him and you want to build that trust up.

43:45

But if it’s not a two-way street, you can’t, you definitely can’t do it.

And it’s a really big challenge to build that trust, I believe.

Leave.

Yeah, it’s hard even after poliana, mostly being sober for quite a few months and as far as I was aware, she hadn’t lied to me.

44:07

But my brain would still go there and it was there’s just a lot so much mind management involved in the whole process.

And the you just always are using the same tools.

It doesn’t matter if they’re actively using if there.

44:24

In a rehab or if they’re sober living on there, whatever it is you’re going to need those tools all the time to create your own Peace of Mind.

Otherwise you’re going to always be needing them to be a certain way for you to be okay.

And that’s why we’re so good at helping people, because we’ve gone through this and we get it now.

44:44

And what has helped both of us?

Are those tools?

Okay, I’ve got, I’m in control of my thoughts and what I’m going to think about this and There’s been many dark moments, but we’ve lived through those two, and it’s okay to go through those dark moments and you come out a little bit stronger on the other side if you allow yourself to be stronger.

45:05

Yeah, absolutely.

So, okay, the last part we’re going to do is our top three pieces of advice and maybe we have more than three.

I know that Kelly and I have something similar here so I’ll do mine and then you can do yours.

And that is have two to three places picked out ahead of time, like be Ready, have your insurance?

45:26

Make sure that your insurance takes them and then you can give those to your child to choose from.

And then they’re choosing from places that you’ve already done the research on.

But you’re not saying go to this one place.

They still have a choice.

45:42

That worked really well.

I was kind of resistant to that it first because it was almost a little bit painful to me, to be looking when I didn’t think that she was ready.

But she got ready?

Much sooner than I expected so you never realized.

45:58

That’s funny.

She got ready.

It’s like you’re going out on a date.

Yeah.

Really fast.

Yeah, I was shocked.

It was almost like I had the places ready and within a couple of months, she had looked at them.

She was knew where she was going to go and she was ready to get sober.

46:16

So when she called me, I mean, I was on a plane within like two hours she called.

I mean, it was just, it made it so much easier.

And the other part of that is, make sure that the place is far enough away from home that nobody’s going to come, and they can’t call a friend to come and pick them up.

46:32

When Helena went to detox, it was always in the same time.

Somebody always came and picked her up that day, but when I sent her to rehab both the first time, it was like an eight hour drive.

I think in the second time, it was like 4 hours and she really know anybody around here anyway, but that makes a big difference.

46:51

In the other thing with the distance is that I is in a panic when she was constantly threatening to leave or leaving and I had to come to the conclusion of, like, what I was going to do if she left, because I couldn’t stand the thought of her being homeless, somewhere that she didn’t know anybody.

47:08

So I didn’t tell her this, but I told the place if she leaves, and I will make sure that she gets home.

But I, let her believe that I wasn’t willing to help her get home.

But the staff at the rehab that she That knew that I would help her get home as she left, but that gave me a lot of peace of mind.

47:28

Having that part of it.

Taking care of too.

I wonder if it’s because in California, when you’re a minor, the doors are locked.

They can’t get out.

Is that not the case?

So she was only a minor once.

And that was an Oklahoma and the doors, they were not allowed to block them in.

47:49

Oh, wow.

And then, of course the other two places, she was an adult in that and they They had shared quite a bit of Freedom at both of those places, actually.

Okay, yeah, I know miners.

They were, they like, you, I couldn’t get any either, like, he couldn’t get out, I couldn’t get in.

48:05

It was one of those.

But once he was 18, then obviously open door policy.

Like you do what you want the three, I came up with the what first one was very similar to yours about the research but doing it before you need it, because if you are like, I need to get him in today.

48:23

I need to get him in.

Now you’re going to miss some things and you’re going to just settle and not have done your research and it’s so so important.

Even if you’re on the fence of, I don’t even know if I’m going to need this.

48:39

Why not get prepared?

Before you have to make that choice because it will save you a lot of headaches.

And again, you can just kind of go down a list of.

I think you’ve posted it and I posted it before.

What to look for when you’re looking for a rehab.

I’ve Got it on the group.

48:55

Yeah.

So why not?

Look at that.

And kind of just have a check off of what you’re looking for.

What you feel would be most appropriate for your loved one.

I think that’s really, really important.

And the other two, I kind of mentioned before is for me, it was really important to find out if it was a co-ed place or not.

49:12

Because I’ve got this good-looking kid who’s a charmer, and I guess he’s hornier than a hog, like, he just like he, that’s all he wanted to do.

So for me, he wasn’t working.

Not himself and I needed him to focus and work on himself.

49:28

So, to me, that was a big one buffer, right?

Like it’s just like, sure denial thing from shopping or whatever it is.

It’s easy to trade, from drugs, to sex to porn, whatever it is.

Yep.

Yeah, 100%.

And then the last one, I really feel.

49:45

It’s important to find if they do individual counseling, and how much is it once a week?

Is it once a day find out and how Ow, how long has the therapist been on staff?

Is it a clinician?

Or is it a therapist?

50:00

What is their credential have they experienced any of this?

I think that’s really important because if you get a new Young pup that has never been dealing with recovery, your loved one might be eating them up and spitting them out.

50:15

So you definitely want to find that out as well.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

My other two were that Okay, I’ve got actually three but they’re quick one was, they’re going to want to be drunk or high or whatever it is on the way to rehab.

50:32

I went through that every time with Ileana.

I had a lot of, like, I felt like I was doing something wrong allowing her, but also, I had a lot of compassion for that’s hard.

Like I can’t even imagine facing that the fear that’s got to be involved in it.

50:48

So it’s not surprising that they would want to do that.

So that’s just something to be come.

Don’t take that to mean that they don’t want to get sober.

That’s just like more like thinking of it, as kind of like, the last step.

The last thing on the checklist before they walk in the door is they’re going to want to be high the whole way there and just before they walk in the door, how can I stop you there?

51:10

Yeah.

Now that’s going into like a detox, like a rehab, will not take them high right now.

Every time, she’s so for helana, because she was on opiates, she was always going into a place that A detox as well.

51:25

So and I can remember that with my ex when he was but he went into detox to before he went into rehab with just he was just drinking but he was drunk on the way there.

So I guess it may be is depends on if they have a detox there, right?

Like most of the places she went had a detox built into the program as an adult.

51:43

Not the were she went is a when she was younger.

I also like, I don’t believe the if they want it, they’ll figure it out.

I really believe that.

That we need to make recovery as easy as possible, remove any barriers that you can make calls help them make calls, and then give them numbers.

52:04

Like, they do have to be the one to call to make sure that there’s a better whatever on the final day, but you can have everything else figured out for them, help them find a sober living house.

Like if you can help them pay rent, while they get a job.

52:20

When they go into sober living, some places are work deals with them.

But sometimes You might have to pay the first week or something you know and tell them how proud you are of them, encourage them.

Like there’s anything that Kelly and I both have learned from our what we’ve dealt with with cancer is when you’re going through a really hard time, you need help and support and there’s just times that you are able to do all the work yourself.

52:45

So I don’t subscribe to that.

If they want it, they’ll figure it out like make it as easy as possible.

And the other thing, You’re not enabling them.

I feel like I just know that both you and I we definitely talk.

53:00

When we deal with families about, don’t be an enabler, don’t give them everything they want.

On this silver platter.

When you’re helping them find a rehab, a detox and stuff, that’s not enabling.

So wanted to make clear that you realize that this is, those are two different places.

53:18

You’re trying to give help them, get the support.

They need versus oh, honey.

Your high.

Let me Q dinner.

You must have the munchies like there’s a definite difference between those two.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you’re supporting like, I wouldn’t even worry about that supporting recovery.

53:35

There’s your reinforcing a behavior that you want.

So, think about it that way.

And the last thing is networking is the best way to get resources.

Like, just talk to when you if you go to a 12-step meeting or an online meeting.

53:54

Thing, whatever it is, talk to people.

Ask them what their experience has asked.

If there’s other groups, I found parent groups that were super helpful to me that didn’t have anything to do with 12 step programs.

I would have never found them unless I was asking questions and meeting people and then it’s the same thing with finding like what rehabs people had good experiences at, like just Network and ask people questions what their experiences were, what they know about because that was how I always found the best places.

54:24

When you’ve got a great platform on Facebook that you’ve created, so that’s an open place to also, if you know, hey, I’m in Florida, does anybody know and then you all of your group can respond to that as well?

So I think that’s a good resource as well.

Yeah, absolutely.

54:41

So again, I just want to reiterate that this is just a mining Kelly’s experience.

This is not meant to discourage you, like even though all of these like, Things aren’t perfect like there’s no world where like no hospital.

54:58

No, anything.

This is going to be a perfect experience, but it’s just to help you be prepared.

And really just to remember that your work on yourself is just as important as your child’s work on themselves or anything you want to know that was beautiful.

55:15

Totally agree with you 100% well.

Alright well thank you for coming on and having this conversation and if anybody wants to Get in touch with you.

Where do they find you Kelly at New Day?

Family recovery or on all social media New Day family recovery.

55:33

All right?

And I’ll put that in the show notes to.

So thank you, thanks for having me.

Thank you for listening to this episode.

If you want to learn more about my work, go to Heather.

Ross coaching.com if you want to help other parents who are struggling with a child’s addiction, you can do it two different ways.

55:52

First, you can share the podcast with them directly or you can share it on your social media second.

You can leave a review, talk to you next week.