EP 71 What To Do With The Shame Piles In Your Mind & Closet With Guest Judith Gaton

Living With Your Child's Addiction Podcast
Living With Your Child's Addiction Podcast
EP 71 What To Do With The Shame Piles In Your Mind & Closet With Guest Judith Gaton
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Shame doesn’t just show up in your mind, it shows up in your closet too.  When you’re struggling with your child’s addiction and life is throwing challenge after challenge your way; self-care and what you put on your body might not be a priority. Heather talks with master certified coach and personal stylist Judith Gaton about how your thoughts and feelings about yourself are reflected in what you wear and how you care for yourself.

A few of the topics covered in the episode:

  • Nothing is wrong with you if the pants don’t fit
  • Going through your closet & thoughts to decide what to keep
  • It’s not about dressing up, it’s about taking care of yourself

Want to learn more about Judith?

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Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

NEW GUIDE ABOUT ENABLING – If you’ve ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you! https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

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If you want coaching about your child’s addiction or anything else Sign up for a 45 minute $17 call with me using the link below

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Transcript

This transcript has not been formatted or edited.

0:01

I’m Heather after many wasted years, trying outdated, approaches to my daughter’s addiction, that felt wrong to me harmed.

Our relationship and didn’t help my daughter.

I finally found an effective evidence-based approach.

0:16

That repair my relationship with her helped me.

Create my own peace of mind and made me an ally in my daughter’s recovery.

I teach you a loving and compassionate approach to help you encourage change.

And create connection addiction impacts the entire family system.

0:35

Family recovery is the answer.

I’m excited to share the conversation.

I had with Judith Catan.

She is a Master Certified life coach, personal stylist, lawyer and entrepreneur.

0:51

She’s also the author of the book, how to be a fucking lady.

A modern guide, to being charming and fierce AF and the host of the scintillating podcast style master class with Miss J.

1:07

She is the founder of modern charm school.

And Rusev online, social club, for women who are ready to leave their mark, on the world, whether it’s through style, commanding, more or creating wealth, she will be the guide you need to take your life to the next level.

1:26

I heard Judith on my mentors podcast and after listening to her for a few minutes, I knew that I needed to have her on my podcast for a self-care episode.

This is an expanded view of self-care though, so Kick with me.

1:41

I heard her say how you dress is an outward reflection of your thoughts and feelings about yourself at first.

I resisted it but then I thought about all the times I’ve been really struggling and how it affected the way that I dress when I was at my lowest moments with Helena’s addiction is showed him my appearance.

2:10

I felt like a failure.

Your is a mom, like I had somehow ruined her life and that things would never get better.

I gained a lot of weight but I only bought cheap clothes that weren’t even my style.

2:25

My hair was falling out and breaking off so I didn’t fix it.

I just wore it up in a little clip every day I hardly ever wore makeup.

The way I looked and dressed was a reflection of my thoughts and feelings at that.

That time before that though when I was loving my life and myself, I loved dressing up.

2:50

Like I were high heels and jewelry.

I have purses that matched my shoes and I was very intentional with how I dressed every day.

I was active, I took care of my health.

Again, my appearance was an outward reflection of my loving and happy thoughts and feelings.

3:11

About myself at that time when I started working with my coach after years of struggling with myself, I started taking ownership of how I was letting helana substance, use affect my life and that ownership included being intentional with how was thinking and feeling about myself.

3:34

And when my thoughts and feelings changed, so did how I dressed and how I took care of my health changed as well.

Well, no matter what’s happening, in your life, what you put on your body is something that you’re in control of focusing on what you can control is so important because you can’t control your child or their substance use.

3:58

There are times, I think life’s really hard right now.

So I need to look extra cute today and I put some extra time into my appearance, whether I’m going to see anybody or not because I still have to look at them.

Error.

And when I see myself, if I haven’t put any effort into my appearance, it’s not going to feel good.

4:17

It’s just going to add to the day and sometimes I have days where my emotional and energy resources are low.

So, I just wear yoga pants and a t-shirt, but they’re not like, grungy leftovers, their clothes that I bought intentionally for those days and I show up completely different in my life.

4:38

When I take time to fix myself up a little It’ll I hope you enjoy this episode.

There were so many things that Judith said about self-care, that align with how I talk about supporting your child.

It was this nice unexpected surprise.

4:55

So notice what you hear that reminds you of that is you listen to the episode.

Hi Judith.

Thank you so much for being here, to share all this information today.

Thank you for having me.

I’m excited that were able to connect and meet, we chatted a little bit beforehand.

5:13

I think we both realized at some point, like, probably should start the episode.

So let’s go into why what you wear is so important.

Why does it matter and how does it affect your life?

Yeah, so I think it’s fun to back up, just like two steps and it’s Necessarily what you’re wearing that matter.

5:35

So much as how you come to select the choice of what to wear, right?

So when we go into our closet every day, it’s because we’re thinking a certain thing.

We’re feeling a certain way and that affects how we decide to dress ourselves or not get dress, how we decided to get ready or not, get ready.

5:51

So, for a lot of my clients, like, rushed is the emotion that is driving their morning, right?

Like they picked up, it seemed like the holographic to-do list cute up and, like, all this stuff done.

Have to do when like her babies and actual human children and like all the things are happening and they start to get on their phone and then 20 minutes have gone by it and then they have to make lunches and then this happens.

6:13

And so by the time it comes to like actually taking care of themselves, they’re pressed for time they’re very Rush, they’re exhausted already from probably staying up too late the night before and that’s how they’re entering your day.

So when you go to your closet and you’re feeling rushed and then on top of that you have a closet full of things that don’t fit you.

6:31

They secretly hate But you may be bought on sale and you know, you really really don’t want to wear.

That’s how you’re starting your day.

So what do you choose what?

You probably choose the same five things that you always choose like the good black pants and the only reason they are the good black pants is because it happened to be clean and they don’t have any holds, right?

6:47

Like we get into these ruts and that’s how we’re starting out our day.

So it’s not necessarily the clothes themselves that are the important part.

The important part is include back this train up.

How have you been taking care of?

Yourself from the night before, to the morning of the time.

7:06

It gets ready.

That’s why this becomes really important.

So, like the clothing is just like this beautiful little highway.

I just a conduit.

Sometimes like your heart and mind and how you been taking care of yourself, and what your relationship with yourself is like, so that’s why all of this matters because we get to reverse engineer.

7:22

What does have her happening in your heart?

And mind.

Okay, there’s just so much good stuff in there.

One, I was laughing.

When you said that about the emotion driving, And rest is being rushed because that’s totally me everyday.

And then having a closet full of things that you secretly hate.

7:41

I a couple of years ago, like I had this huge closet that had like the out-of-season racks and everything in it, it was jam-packed like there was not room for anything else in there and I realized that I only wore maybe a third of those things and I got rid of everything that I didn’t wear any more for the first time ever and It was like we had moved out of the house or something, but and now still, I’d so I don’t care.

8:08

Keep a huge inventory of close anymore, but I still have a closet full of things.

I secretly hate.

Well, that’s all of us, right?

Like every human is probably losing can relate to that.

Like the 80/20 rule is always in play.

We have all this stuff and we use about 20% of it, right?

8:25

We have all these books on our shelves.

We probably have read, maybe 20% of them.

Like, we have a closet full of clothes.

We wear about 80% of them, and there’s nothing wrong with that, just sort of human behavior.

But the fun questions, like, why, like how do we get to this moment in time?

And sometimes a secretly hating.

8:42

It is because we don’t fit into them, they’re too small.

So, they’re now, instead of being goal clothes, I put them in air quotes or little shame piles.

Reminder of failure or their clothes from a past life, right?

I have a lot of clients who like, when they went into retirement is the like I wore suits my whole life.

9:01

Now, Do I wear every day?

I’m like whatever you want.

And that’s just such a dog thing.

Thing to say to someone like wait, I have all the choices available.

So, like, however, we came to this moment in time, or we have 80% of the stuff in there is just abhorrent to us.

It’s good to pause and ask ourselves like why, what is it that I’m responding to when I walk into this closet and for each of you is going to be like various scenarios, but it’s good to check in and kind of ask.

9:26

Okay, what’s going on here?

Yeah, I love that question.

Like, how did we get here and then thinking Of it as part of your self-care routine because when I first heard you talk about that, it took me a minute to make the connection but then when I did, I started thinking of all of the ways when I was struggling with self-care and I wasn’t really taking care of myself and my thoughts and feelings about myself.

9:52

Weren’t that great?

It reflected in how I was dressing as well.

So, it really duck to me to think about how like, when, A parent is really struggling with their kids substance use and they’re really focused on their child and not themselves how what they’re wearing can really be reflected in their self-care.

10:13

So if somebody isn’t maybe feeling the best about themselves, what’s a good way to get started trying to make how they’re dressing part of their self-care routine.

I love that we’re segueing here because I think this is such like a great gentle.

10:32

So start taking care of yourself or the stakes are really low and it does not have to be an overhaul and hear me out y’all because I think sometimes on TV, we see like makeovers happen and all this money is spent and all this like stuff happens the whole life is up and I love the idea of that but that’s not reality, right?

10:51

When we see, you know, Julia Roberts go into the dressing room for Pretty Woman.

We never actually see her try on the clothes and have clothes that don’t fit her means.

It’s not real, that’s not most of our experience.

So for those of you, especially for caring for a loved one, in the throes of addiction, it’s super important to really, really take care of yourself.

11:08

I think.

And I’m going to start really, really slow meet yourself where you are or some of you.

That means we’re going to shower today, and we’re going to celebrate the heck out of showering.

We got up, we actually got.

So before you turned on water, we got in the shower like that actually is were celebrating especially if you’re really, really struggling because, you know, somebody that you love so much of struggling.

11:31

Okay.

That’s real.

Real talk, right?

For some of you it’s okay, I shower but I never seem to get to the like getting dressed phase other than like jammies or you know clothes that I wouldn’t dare to be seen in and I just want to lovingly say it’s really the same amount of math if you’re putting on a top and a bottom, it really is just as much effort to put on like a pair of trousers is to put on a blouse as it is to put on a T-shirt and jeans and there’s nothing wrong with T-shirt and jeans.

11:58

There’s also nothing wrong with even just fresh pair of jammies.

Like I have some clients who suffer from, chronic bouts of depression and we do what we call, one boob at a time protocol.

Now, if you’re not in a female identifying body, pick your pleasure, right?

Like one button at a time protocol, and really, the whole concept is, we’re just going to celebrate teeny, tiny action steps to help us get to a place of self-care again.

12:23

So for some of us it’s like I got out of bed today and I’m like okay when you swing your feet off the bed you like?

Yeah.

Alright my feet, hit the floor.

God out of this bed and it’s like, okay.

All right, we can walk to the bathroom because I’m gonna bother with happened to go back to the bathroom.

Okay.

12:39

Good luck to the bath and you’re like literally so deliberately need to feel cheesy as heck and it’ll cure your inner eye.

Roll totally.

Okay?

Because there is something like they’ve actually done scientific studies.

Even faking a smile.

Eventually, you will naturally smile faking a laugh.

You will naturally start to laugh, right?

12:55

So baking excitement about washing your ass today, like that might be where it’s at my friend and that is totally okay.

Okay, right.

So then I’m going to celebrate putting on a bra.

I’m putting on Fresh jammies, or actually getting dressed or going outside of my room today or eating something a little bit healthier, whatever.

13:12

That means each one of us write, whatever.

It’s within your budget to do like celebrating one boob at a time.

One button at a time one step at a time to help Foster yourself and that journey is going to look different for each of us.

You just meet yourself where you are.

I love that meet yourself where you are because that’s a big part of Harm reduction, and loving somebody who’s struggling with substance.

13:35

Use is meeting them where they’re at is really important.

So, and just easily applying that to ourselves meeting ourselves, where we are being gentle with ourselves, not judging for where we’re at and celebrating the small wins again.

13:53

I think that that’s really something.

I talk about a lot with celebrating the winds would changes in yourself or with your kids.

So I like celebrating the wins.

In this self-care way of even showering is a win getting fresh clean.

Pajamas on is a win.

14:09

So it’s not so much.

What you don’t have to be dressed up, just have to do something for yourself that feels good.

Exactly, exactly.

I had a close family member who was addicted for a long time.

He’s sober.

Now he’s on his journey and I remember, we would celebrate if he comes like, he would have, they had an arrangement where he lived outside his parents house for a while.

14:30

And but he they knew where he was As in their shed on her property but that’s what we’re trying their family to help him on his road to recovery and what we would celebrate when he’d come in and shower movie.

Like dude, like how are you feeling?

I Feel clean that was huge for him and we did like minimize that.

14:49

It would have thrown him off like that’s how eventually he moved back in the home and then he got help.

Like, there’s these tiny steps and literally started with him just like he would come into shower.

And we were, we were excited and now over Wyoming Lisa, we were respectful of like him being a.

Spacey not overwhelming him with are excited.

15:06

But internally we were like you showered today and just like getting clean, like even metaphorically, right?

Just that first little Act made a huge difference.

Yeah, I love that.

And that is a lot of what I did with my daughter to like celebrating, those small wins with her little changes that she made along the way because it is, especially like, if you are living in a shed or the place that my daughter was living.

15:32

There are a lot of things weren’t working and so it was a big deal in a lot of work sometimes to get a shower.

So I’d even go pick her up and bring her over to my house to shower sometimes so that she could take a long shower and just relax and enjoy yourself.

So I love that story, thanks for sharing it.

15:50

You also said you define style as an outward reflection of your thoughts and feelings about yourself which I love that because we have a thought that creates a Feeling and then we take an action from it and then that can be either going back to bed or getting up and taking a shower.

16:08

But can you talk more about how that works in terms of style?

Yeah, I think we’ve all been socialized to believe that like the clothing is what creates the emotion.

So at least is a little powerless.

If we don’t like the clothing we have in our closet number one, or we don’t like whatever our body is doing and the clothing is not fitting us.

16:29

Then it becomes as like love-hate relationship.

We’re always trying to change our bodies to fit into clothing, but if we take the idea that the clothing somehow magical which were sold on, right?

Especially during the holidays.

I see that’s a lot.

Like find the right dress, your season will be merry and bright, like find the right dress will get engaged on New Year’s, but it’s like kind of kinda nuts, right?

16:51

We really think about this, right.

The closing isn’t magical.

It never was.

There’s always a person wearing the clothes.

I brought the magic, and if we remember that like, we’re the animating Force.

Because we’re the ones with thoughts and feelings that she’s become so much easier to get to a place where we find what style looks like for us so much easier to get to a place where caring for ourselves more lovingly and then choosing to dress ourselves differently as a result.

17:19

But we can’t reverse engineered in the sense that we can’t try to use a clothing to create a feeling other than like a physical sensation, that’s not how it works.

We have to start with thinking things, on purpose, practicing feeling better.

On purpose which is a journey to be taken lightly and then deciding how we’re going to dress ourselves and for some of us like really truly meeting yourself where you are you get to keep your stretchy pants, right?

17:45

I think sometimes they’re like we knock like yoga pants, aren’t real pants, they’re absolutely real.

And that’s not done.

Like, if you’re meeting yourself where you are, we’re gonna find like, the best quality that you can afford within your budget that fit you, the best for your body as it is right now.

For some of my clients are Executives who like, have multi six-figure business.

18:02

Isis.

And they are wearing them was janky, all this stuff and they’re terrified of like getting up on a zoom screen because somebody might see what’s happening party on the bottom business on top.

So like meeting them where they are is like we’re just going to find more comfortable like joggers or house trousers to wear that don’t feel so stifling but are so comfortable.

18:21

Like each of us is going to look different.

But if we start to pay attention to really what’s going on in our lives, I were thinking and feeling, then the clothing is just like a supporting member, it’s a supporting cast member and the movie that Creating.

Yeah, I love that.

You heard you say one time about how your clothes need to audition for you instead of you auditioning for them.

18:40

Exactly.

So meaning like your body, I think there’s always that like if my body doesn’t fit into this piece of clothing, then there’s something wrong with me.

Or you said like clothing, doesn’t create the emotion.

So like pants that don’t fit.

18:57

The problem is the Judgment that comes with that.

Yeah, I like The pants don’t fit because the pants don’t fit because your failure you didn’t do right or oh my gosh, not again.

How did you get to like all the stuff we tell ourselves?

Like it’s nothing to do with other patients are having a bit but we’re not trying to constantly change ourselves to fit into clothing or the way things, we think they should be and we really just accept things as they are or have such an easier time dressing ourselves.

19:26

Yeah.

Acceptance.

So important in all areas of life, It right.

Yeah, so when somebody maybe has gained a lot of weight or lost, a lot of weight are for me.

Like, when I went through my breast cancer, the changes after having a double mastectomy, and my reconstruction not working, or even if it had worked still, I would have been my body would have been very different.

19:52

It was very disorienting.

So, when somebody goes through, a big body change, like, where’s a good place to start with, figuring out how to Rest for that new body shape.

Yeah.

It’s this is ultimately about your relationship with yourself.

20:08

So, if your body has undergone some big change, like, we have to get to know it again, and not with an eye towards 0.

Like, imagine being in a date and you’re like, you used to be so cool, right?

Like that would be a weird day, like the person would feel awkward.

It would.

Like it would just be kind of mean and a little cruel because like, well, sorry that they’re not cool now, right?

20:28

That’d be strange.

We do this to our bodies after they’ve undergone changes whether Breast cancer, mastectomy, reconstruction, that didn’t work even implants, that have failed.

I’ve had clients at implants, which is not healthy anymore.

They had to get it removed in the whole, you know, emotional issue that like postpartum perimenopause menopause, like bodies are constantly in a state of flux.

20:48

So we have to get really good at establishing like a relationship with it as it is not right now.

Not like its potential down the road.

Once it’s lost weight, or how it used to be back in a day or a few months before something happens.

And we really have to get like, I don’t know what you’re going to do today, and I don’t even want to say love, I think loves is like a hard sell.

21:09

If you’ve been in self-loathing, think that’s a gun kind to be like, you should love your body becomes like this shaming thing.

That doesn’t make any sense, right?

Love yourself.

It’s a place where you could start to, like, just being curious or even intrigued and I think intrigued Works a little bit better.

Sometimes in curiosity, at least the clients that I serve until I can find a place of intrigue, like I don’t know.

21:30

We’re going to do you are mister To me, but I’m willing to find out.

I do my belly’s get to do today like after I had a myomectomy to get tumors removed from my lady region and I had no idea what my belly was going to do from one day to the next seven days.

21:48

It was like flat.

And I was like, whoa, what’s happening?

That would have looked like when those tumors aren’t chilling.

There, that is insane.

And then / – smelly belly like oh, all right, I guess we’re doing this today and then other days in field.

Hard to laugh but it was tight.

22:03

And then other days, I felt fine.

And it was not like, I didn’t know what, yeah, but if I get you plays of intrigued, when I don’t know what you’re going to do.

But I’m here for this with, then we can like stop the hate in a self-loathing, because you get to love that my parents L.

We could just start to learn about this new creature as it changes over time because it’s going to change, it’s absolutely going to change.

22:25

Yeah, yeah that’s great.

It is going to change.

Everything’s always going to change you and when we don’t want it to and I like, Idea of re-establishing the relationship and not treating yourself.

Like if you entreat somebody else that way don’t treat yourself that way and approaching it with curiosity.

22:44

There’s so many things that you have said that are very similar to what I would say about how we should approach our kids right approaching because like for me and a lot of other parents we just want them to be like they were before on them to go back to the way they were which wasn’t working for some reason or we wouldn’t end up working.

23:01

Are we are today anyway and just being curious about it is the kindest thing that you can do being curious about who they are now, where they are now, how do we get here?

And then maybe being able to get to a place of just loving and accepting them where they are.

23:20

Same thing for us just like with our kids, like loving and accepting ourselves where we are right now which is definitely a process.

That’s a lot of what I’m Like working on like okay, this is just who I am.

Now, how do I work with this?

23:37

How do I what clothes work on?

This body is the kind of thing I can do for myself.

Instead of like originally, I was like waiting it out.

I’m not buying any clothes because my body’s going to change again, right?

How often do you hear that?

Yeah.

23:53

How does dressing affect other areas of your life?

Or how you dress?

Yeah.

So it’s kind of funny because and I love that you extrapolated like Like, hey, we teach some of the same tools some of the same Concepts because the way I teach is like, battle, the great starting point, right?

24:09

Low barrier to entry low cost entry, a lot of times we can get to play with a bunch of stuff without it costing us a lot but I can learn the tools and habits and mindsets here where the stakes are low, but I can start to apply to the stuff that feels a lot more important, right?

So I learn about self-acceptance and loving what is right now, like in my underwear, drawer or whatever my belly’s doing, when I put on my Underwear today.

24:33

Like practicing that on myself.

I get you take it to the more important areas.

So if my kids struggling with something I’ve already learned, I have the habit of the meta skill in my brain to say, oh I’m hoping you would be different.

And I know that doesn’t work because like I learned that with my stomach or my thighs, are my breasts or whatever this thing was happening with my body and my clothing, same with the other humans.

24:54

Okay?

So I have that met a skill.

I just have to start practicing in this new area by my bank account.

We talked about this in modern terms for it, we have Four pillars, one of them is style.

One of them is wealth generation.

My bank account isn’t what?

I want it to be being mad at myself for that does me.

No, good in the world.

25:10

Beating myself up of all the decisions I should have made differently.

Doesn’t make any sense, right?

If I start to ask myself, how did I end up here?

What can I learn about how I ended up here?

So I can make some different set of choices.

I mean, I love myself through the debt or something that happened and I didn’t want to happen, but it happened anyway.

25:28

I can learn that with these pantyhose got to run in.

These things are all down that outfit actually sucks because I sweated through it and I’m all pit-stained out.

Like crack have enjoyed bodies, do weird things that we don’t expect them to do.

I can learn that skill but it’s low barrier to entry the stakes are low when it starts to matter.

25:48

And I say this because recognizing have a, whole of human experience with a myriad of things, I can take those skills and I can apply them over and over and over and over and over and over again.

And in my brain needs a refresher on how the tool works, I can start on my end.

We’re door.

I can start on my makeup drug and started my closet.

26:04

I just a refresher like, oh, that’s right.

This is how this works and then I get to reply to the stuff that feels weightier.

Has more important.

Yeah.

Yeah, I like that focusing on, just re going back to your tools habits, and mindset, and starting small with something, like your makeup or underwear drawer.

26:23

That’s our socks.

Yeah, I clear.

My husband, right?

The plumbers wife has her pipes.

How’s that?

Stylist.

Husbands, you know, clothing director had a readout fit him because he just hasn’t complained dude.

Were delivery, where’s right?

26:39

And he was sitting across from me, he liked crossed his leg.

Look at the bottom of his foot, he had not like a hole in sake of five holes.

Because what he would notice that there’s a whole development him switch to Fox and different feet.

So there’s a whole would develop and like the toe the pinky toe the big toe, right?

27:00

I was just like, what is happening?

With your socks.

He’s like, oh, you know, like, my, holy trip.

Sucks, was like nice, pun loves a joke, but what is happening over there?

Right.

And I get to show him all over again.

Like, this little bit of self care matters.

It matters, how you take care of yourselves and he has Renaud.

27:16

So, he gets cold all the time.

Like, we really need to keep his feet warm because it can’t feel them.

Anyway, so he’s like, what does it matter like?

But it does matter.

Right?

These little tiny things Factor, underwear drawer like meeting yourself, or your car, or even lovingly cleaning out your spouse.

27:31

Doctor like when they’re not looking.

Yeah, that’s so true.

Yeah.

And I, you also were talking about low barrier to entry.

I think that that’s really important because then that’s like, what are you most likely to do, right?

27:47

Starting.

They’re not starting somewhere that’s so big.

It’s like when you’re setting a boundary with somebody, I always say, like let’s start small with something, you know, that you can do and then build up to The thing that you really the boundary, you know that you need but you aren’t ready to set.

28:06

I think you can apply that same thing.

That same logic to going through your closet, or your drawers, or whatever it is because you were another thing.

I heard you say that I liked was that you should go through your closet or your drawers, and thinking about it, like your thoughts and choose, like, what you want to keep what serves you, exactly.

28:28

It’s and we could get something so much more deliberate.

A lot of life has led by, Default, right?

Are all the systems automated so part of really being present is just slowing everything down and learning to be more deliberate.

I love, that was boundaries, right?

As opposed to like flying off the handle and setting it all to made em like slowing this train down.

28:49

What the first little boundary.

I can set same here like if I want to have a makeover and I want to show up in the world differently, well, where can I start?

And then I get the reward of a something having been the Polish a task is done.

I get the benefit of seeing it empty space.

29:05

Like all these little ancillary benefits by starting really, really, really, really, really small.

Yeah, yeah.

Again meeting yourself where you’re at and choosing something that you can get a small win with, I used to go through this where I would see something that looks so cute on somebody else and then I would go by that and it’s not really me like getting down to who you are and your style that is Going like, how can a woman?

29:34

Really figure that out for herself.

Like what’s best for her?

What’s going to work?

And like staying in that this is what works for me and letting go of those things that look cute on everybody else.

Yeah, so I think that’s why I like back to our definition of style, right?

29:49

So like style is your thoughts and feelings about yourself outwardly reflected First fashion.

I like to call it the circus parade.

We get to watch The Spectators and enjoy it.

Like there’s elephants there sequence.

There’s Cowboys or suede there’s leather, there’s Fringe like there’s all kinds of cool crap happening.

30:06

Right so Runway shows the Magazine’s people we see on TV or in movies like we get to sit back and enjoy all that of The Spectator.

And then we get to sit inside of the like Cozy Cafe, where our style, and ourselves were just chatting and hanging out.

30:22

We can watch the circus parade we can decide we want to go participate but it always comes back to that conversation with yourself.

All right what do I what am I thinking about myself?

How am I feeling about myself?

What is my lifestyle?

The currently need like so I have some clients who have quite and runs a wrench.

She’s covered in horse shit all day.

30:39

She doesn’t need to be walking around and crisp white button UPS because that was on a must-have list that makes no sense for her.

Right?

So we talked about like fit has three meanings as a fit, your physical body, which you.

And I talked about a lot that’s a fit your actual lifestyle.

30:55

So if you go to the gym a lot, we probably won’t close that support.

You’re going to the gym a lot.

If you like to go to the church potluck and there’s like, modesty restriction.

We want to make sure you are outfitted for your church potlucks, right?

If you love to run an online business and your own social all the time, I want to make sure you have everything you need for being Zoom, ready, or camera-ready like each of us.

31:16

Our lifestyles are so different but that’s part of like does this fit my body?

Does this fit my lifestyle, do I have what I need to support my lifestyle and then thinking about, does this fit my own personal preferences?

So why lie?

I love some really cute stuff that I see online when I walk it through that Matrix.

31:36

Well I wouldn’t like the way that fits on my body.

For example, I love people in crop tops.

I think it’s so cute.

I love to see a little belly rolls, like I’m into it and you feel comfortable, you do you boo, so cute.

However, have extremely large fat.

I’ve no desire to wear a crop top, I can admire it.

31:54

But when I think about like actual fit on my body, I don’t think I’d be comfortable physically.

I think about my lifestyle, Well, given my church has faced requirements and restrictions and like clothing.

Modesty that doesn’t, that won’t work.

Ok, so then we can’t do that like, and if I think about my own personal preferences, I be.

32:09

So physically uncomfortable, if it doesn’t make sense for me, so then I can let it go, right?

But I have a filter to run it through.

So I’m not beating myself up because something didn’t work.

I’d actually wouldn’t like it if I really sat back and thought about it.

Yeah, I love that.

Does it fit your lifestyle, your body and your preferences?

32:26

Those were the three things you said, right?

Yeah.

And I think About that sometimes because I used to work in an office and I had to dress up and I love dressing up and wearing heels like everyday.

And now like, I don’t even have any of those clothes anymore there.

32:42

I have some.

Okay, I have a few of my heels that I couldn’t part with, but they’re backed away, it is suitcase.

So it was sometimes.

I’m like why don’t you like to dress like that anymore but it’s just not who I am anymore.

Does it fit my lifestyle?

I’m live in Florida.

Now, it’s really hot here.

32:57

I would never want to dress like that all the time.

I want to be comfortable and I don’t have to I’m like you only see me from like the neck up most of the time anyway.

So why do I have to go through all that?

Yeah, exactly.

Like in each of us, gets to decide what that looks like for each of us.

33:13

It’s gonna be so different for every single person that’s thing, which is kind of fun.

And as it should be, yeah, the big thing is, don’t use who you used to be against yourself or her.

You think you should be like just giving yourself permission and loving yourself as you are right now.

33:28

Today not You used to be or who you’re going to be your want to be in the future but who you are right now that’s like I think my favorite thing of this whole message is really just meeting yourself where you’re at and loving yourself where you are.

Yeah, I look at that team.

Develop sort of naturally during our conversation but yeah, I think absolutely yeah well it is there anything that I missed her didn’t ask about that.

33:51

You think is important to make sure that we get into this conversation and I think we covered everything and I love that summation like just meeting your Where you are, it means very kind to yourself on this journey.

Like if you’re listening to this podcast, chances are you have bigger fish to fry.

34:08

So love he’s just take care of yourself so that you can go on and take care of the other humans that you’re worried about.

Yeah, I love that.

That is the most important thing you’ve got to put your own oxygen mask on First and maybe today, that’s just taking a shower or for somebody else.

It’s changing your clothes or maybe putting on red lipstick today depending on where you are.

34:28

So, And we celebrate and applaud all of it.

We are so, so cheering you on.

Absolutely.

So if somebody wants to hear more about this, where do they find you?

Yeah.

So if you’re listening to this chances are you like podcast?

So you can check out the style masterclass podcast and they’re very bendable episodes are about like 10 minutes in length and if you want to work with me, you could go to Jews.

34:53

Catan.com, and find out more about my program modern Charm School.

All right, thank you so much and I’ll put that in the show notes.

As well.

Thank you, thank you for having me today.

Thanks.

Thank you for listening to this episode.

If you want to learn more about my work, go to Heather.

35:10

Ross coaching.com if you want to help other parents who are struggling with a child’s addiction, you can do it two different ways.

First, you can share the podcast with them directly or you can share it on your social media second.

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