EP74 The Compassion Antidote With Guest Cathy Taughinbaugh

Living With Your Child's Addiction Podcast
Living With Your Child's Addiction Podcast
EP74 The Compassion Antidote With Guest Cathy Taughinbaugh
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Heather Interviewed parent coach Cathy Taughinbaugh. As a result of her journey with her own child’s drug use, Cathy wanted to become an advocate for parents and create awareness about substance use disorder. Cathy is the author of The Compassion Antidote: A Path to Change for You and Your Child Struggling with Substance Use. She is also the creator of the Regain Your Hope online course. Cathy has Level 1 Certification in Invitation to Change and facilitates ITC groups. Her mission is to support parents through the struggle of having a child misuse drugs or alcohol.

 

A Few Topics Covered in This Episode:

  • What family recovery is
  • The unique perspective of Cathy’s book The Compassion Antidote: A Path to Change for You and Your Child Struggling with Substance Use
  • How Cathy helps parents work through their fears about enabling
  • Lessons Cathy has learned over the many years she’s been parent coaching
  • What to do when nothing has helped your family so far

 

Learn more about Cathy Tuaghinbaugh:

Website: www.cathytaughinbaugh.com

Book: https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/books/

Course: https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/regain-your-hope/

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

NEW GUIDE ABOUT ENABLING – If you’ve ever worried about enabling, this guide is for you! https://heatherrosscoaching.com/perspective-about-enabling/

If you want coaching about your child’s addiction or anything else Sign up for a 45 minute $17 call with me using the link below

https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery

GROUP COACHING PROGRAM – Join the waitlist – New Group Starting soon! Be the first to get details. https://heatherrosscoaching.com/peace-of-mind-community/

There’s a new parent support group in Town. Use the link below to find out about the Invitation to Change support group Heather is hosting.

Learn More & Sign Up For The Invitation To Change Group

Follow me on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/heatherrosscoaching

Follow me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/heatherrosscoaching/

⁠Join the free Facebook group for parents who are struggling with a child’s addiction

Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/heather-ross9/message

Transcript

This transcript has not been formatted or edited.

0:01

I’m Heather after many wasted years, trying outdated, approaches to my daughter’s addiction, that felt wrong to me harmed.

Our relationship and didn’t help my daughter.

I finally found an effective evidence-based approach.

0:16

That repair my relationship with her helped me.

Create my own peace of mind and made me an ally in my daughter’s recovery.

I teach you a loving and compassionate approach to help you encourage change.

And create connection addiction impacts the entire family system.

0:35

Family recovery is the answer.

Okay, one more quick thing before the episode starts, if you ever worry about enabling, which I hear that word all the time.

0:51

So many parents are worried about it.

I made a guide for you.

This guide will give you a new relationship with enabling.

It will help you be confident in yourself and your decisions.

Also, it will give you three science back ways to Help your child.

1:12

So the link for the guide is going to be in the show notes today.

Hi Kathy.

Thank you so much for coming on the podcast to share your experience with parent coaching with us.

Thank you so much for having me, Heather, I really appreciate it.

1:30

And love this opportunity to be part of your podcast, your wonderful podcast.

So let’s start by having you tell us how you got started working with parents.

Sure, no problem.

Like, many of us, I had substance use issues in my family, with my kids, to have three children, two sons.

1:49

Is and a daughter and my oldest son.

Got very caught up in marijuana was dependent on that to the point where we were really concerned about him because he just wasn’t really living, you know, his best life and we could just see was depressed and had anxiety and all those kinds of things.

2:07

And then when my daughter was 19, she was off in, trying to go to college in Colorado, which was not going well at all.

And we discovered that she had a crystal meth dependency that She was addicted to Crystal Meth.

So that’s how I got thrown into this.

2:23

It was nothing.

My family had not really ever as a child.

I had not experienced this at all, my dad had been married before and his first wife did have a major alcohol problem.

So, I have two older brothers to have brothers and they had a little bit of a different experience.

2:40

They had a hard time with her during the years, but for myself and my brother who’s two years older, we my parents were very Scent of all that kind of thing.

So this experience with my kids, I just went started going to meetings, I started learning more about it.

2:58

I started realizing how many parents were in this situation and how confused all of us were all just trying to find answers and it was just so difficult.

So I was at a point in my life, I was my original career was teaching, I was taught in elementary education, but I had retired a little bit early and so I had a few years where I was just kind of retired but I always wanted to do more, I just felt like I just needed to do more and this had just stuck with me.

3:27

So I started a website and originally thought, oh, people can come in and talk about treatment centers and that kind of thing, but then I realized that really wasn’t something that was going to happen too much.

And so, I started blogging and then started working the parents to end addiction to partnership, to end addiction reached out.

3:49

And I got connected with them and I think it helps to be connected with the group.

I think, when you’re on your own it you could be super helpful.

But I also think these organizations that you and I are both connected with really help you feel like you’re part of a community and that kind of thing.

4:08

And I wanted to coach that was something that I started working on on my own.

I thought, I think being a coach be helpful, just trying to help parents and hopefully have less confusion.

And that I had when I was going through this.

And so at that point is when it all kind of came together because I was asked, to go to New York, it was at an initial training for the partnership to end addictions coaching program.

4:32

It was a volunteer coaching program with peers and so I went, and that was my first introduction to the craft approach, Community reinforcement and family training.

And when I heard about that, when I learned more about that, I thought, oh my gosh, this is exactly what I To do by this point.

4:52

My daughter had been in a treatment program and she was doing well.

My son was had not, we did an intervention with him and we did some other things and he didn’t want to do any of that but did do counseling.

So he was on a better path to and for him it was just a slower progress.

5:10

I think I’m not sure why maybe it was just because the marijuana you have a harder time realizing that it’s a problem.

I think she knew clearly.

She was at a point where she realized this isn’t going to work for me anymore.

But anyway, so I was not able to use craft with my own children that much, although I have since then, even with them in recovery and through their change process, I use it all the time, just to have a better relationship with them but so I just became passionate about the topic.

5:42

I just, I think it sort of angered me that.

So many of our kids were going down this road, and I’m a nurturer type.

That’s who I am.

And so it just seemed like a good fit and I think in some ways it just found me.

I mean, I just happened to be here.

The timing was right and all of that kind of thing.

5:59

So yeah and I like that you mentioned that even though you weren’t using craft with your kids, initially that it still helps with your relationship now because I think that that’s really important.

Like this isn’t just a skill that we use when our kids are actively struggling with substances.

6:17

I think it can be used in our Chips.

Absolutely.

And even for other problems that aren’t is based on substance use, but I think it can be used especially for parents for other issues that are coming up.

I think it’s great, a great approach.

Yeah and I’m blending every time I talk about craft, I’m kind of blending craft an invitation to change together.

6:37

Sometimes I do that.

And so I’m thinking of both of those together when I say that it can help with any relationship right?

No absolutely I agree.

They’re both wonderful programs.

So what does family recovery mean to you?

6:53

And why do you think that it’s important for family or for parents to work on themselves alongside their kids?

Okay sure.

Family recovery.

I mean it can be spouses or parents or even aunts and uncles whatever.

7:09

Grandparents I fate mainly have focused on parents just because that’s what I knew, that seemed to make sense for me, but I just wanted to clarify that That the craft or the invitation changes for any family member, but for parents substance use is difficult.

7:27

It’s very challenging when parents work with their children.

If they are feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, just tired all the time.

They’re not going to be making the best choices.

It’s going to be really difficult.

7:42

And I think also something that I’ve realized a long way to is what happened.

I think.

So often the past is we have the, our Struggling child over here and the family group over here and the substance, the child with the substance use is one with all the problems and the family members don’t have anything, they need to work on.

8:00

You know, they just, let’s just solve this problem with this child and I realized early on that is just not the best approach.

I think we all bring something to the table when it comes to substance use.

Whether it’s the parents, the siblings, whatever.

And I think it’s important for everyone to learn about addiction and to do their own.

8:19

On work addictions tricky.

And I think four siblings often.

I see siblings, get upset with parents or they feel like the parents are being taken advantage of, or they see how exhausted their mom or dad is.

And I get that it’s hard to watch, but I do encourage siblings to learn about addiction because up many times siblings have not done any work at all, they just are seeing the the downfall and so it causes more conflict.

8:46

So I think it’s important for family.

Counseling can be helpful Reading the books Beyond addiction.

The other, get your loved ones.

Sober, all the books that are out there that I think are helpful.

Whatever.

There’s many of them out there that can resonate with people and just doing the work.

9:02

And for parents, I feel like parents sometimes and I feel like I did this to you.

I felt like I was going through it, I was working, I was a single mother at the time.

Just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

I wasn’t really looking at My life and being introspective about how things were going and I think when the substance use happened, it was really a wake-up call for our family.

9:28

It’s like we’re just kind of plotting along, and we’re not really thinking things through on how our kids are doing.

So I think one thing that happens with parents to, as you can bring things from your own childhood into your parenting, that maybe you haven’t resolved, maybe you haven’t worked on and substance, use can be just another reflection of that.

9:48

There’s a Problem in this family and the substance use is reflecting that not just for the child, but for the young person or whoever you know, might not might be an adult child, but for everybody so family recovery is so important.

10:04

It’s just I think parents.

The first step is really understanding what’s going on.

You have to honestly at the beginning.

I think many parents go through that denial stage.

I knew I did and you’re kind of throwing everything.

You can think of at the problem, hoping it’ll go away.

Just think back to all the crazy stuff.

10:21

I was thinking would maybe work but you just, you’re scrambling your scramble.

You’re just throwing, like, spaghetti on the wall, hoping something will work, and then when you realize it doesn’t, I think that’s when the world real work begins, you want to really look at what the issues are, what your contribution is, how what the Dynamics are on the family.

10:41

All those kind of things and the trauma that your child may have gone through or that, maybe your whole family’s gone through.

I mean, it’s hard to know, but definitely Lee.

I strongly suggest that parents.

Don’t assume that it’s just this one person that needs help.

It’s really everyone to look at it and to have compassion for yourself or your child for the other people in the family that are struggling.

11:04

Yeah, there’s a lot of good stuff in there.

You mentioned, parents, having introspection.

And I think that that that’s one of the really hard Parts because like, for me I was so outwardly focused.

Guest and focused on my daughter that it was just her that needed to change and that just made things worse.

11:27

And then once I realized that her substance use was like a mirror kind of pointing out all of these things in my life that I needed to work on and started like listening to those cues that I was getting and started working on those things.

11:46

That’s when we started, really He changing our relationship, and I was able to take a different approach along with everything that I was learning.

Like you said, like learning to understand addiction at that time and see it differently and not try to simplify it as much as I was, I was just trying to really take this simplified approach for something complex.

12:10

So I really liked all that you said in there and you also mentioned at the end, having compassion and you recently We wrote a book called The Compassion antidote.

I love that name.

So can you tell us a little bit about the book and why you chose that name?

12:28

Sure.

No, thank you.

And I just want to mention to you certainly aren’t alone and having it at the Emir because I had that same incident with our family too.

But yes, I wrote The Compassion antidote, my thought behind it.

And actually, what happens, I think a lot of times when people write books, I wrote it and then send it out to people and it’s like, okay, I need to do this.

12:49

Do that.

And I thought I just need to take a break from Sister for a while.

So I shelled it for a few years and then I pulled it out again.

I thought you know let’s try this again and just see if I can make this happen.

And the idea was that I had read the Beyond addiction and many of these books in the professionals and I thought maybe a book from a parent / coach who has learned this information and this is why I like it.

13:15

And just another voice saying, you know, this could be really helpful.

All information and I thought the idea was to keep it super simple, fairly short just giving people the basics.

It’s just another way to share the information as an additional book, somebody wants to get more information about it.

13:34

So compassion for me it was really one of the things that I’ve learned really early on with craft, an invitation changing really wasn’t anything that I thought about necessarily.

I mean, I always felt like I was loving with my kids and I cared about them and I was super Concerned about these issues but I didn’t really understand that.

13:52

The more empathetic you were the more compassionate.

You were the more understanding you put into the problem was really what was going to help your child.

So I really was lucky.

Someone actually I would love to say I made up the name but somebody suggested it to me and I thought oh I like that because it’s just a little different antidote really is something that counteracts or neutralizes and unpleasant feeling.

14:16

So I felt like that was a nice description of how Coach substance use that compassion is something that can just help Sue this a little bit.

Give yourself another Focus that kind of thing.

And so the book covers, many of the topics of craft of self-care, I start out with looking at the problem and then the self-care piece which is so important, giving people ideas on what they can do change is one area that I talked about a little bit that and what are some things that help with change and what are some things that don’t help with change.

14:49

For example, if we’re pushing our kids often and just repeating the same things over and over again, it just tends to be not so helpful.

I mean, they just tune us out after a while or another thing that I found was helpful is to have other people bring if you’re a parent working with your child and many times parents will isolate their embarrassed about the problem, but what can really help is to bring in other people?

15:15

It could be friends or relatives a counselor.

Ever works for you.

Maybe a coach for your child or whatever but giving that same message.

So your child’s hearing this message from a number of different people will have them listing a little bit more if it’s just you as a parent repeating the same things.

15:34

So it’s important rating.

Many of the craft ideas again positive reinforcement boundaries is a big one for many.

The idea of enabling what works for enabling, what doesn’t work for enabling and just To give parents some ho, just a glimpse of a little light along the way, and seeing if there’s some ideas that they can take from this book and I think to sometimes when you read a book, you’ll get some ideas.

16:01

And then you read a book from a different author and you might get some other ideas or it’s worded differently and it resonates with you differently.

So I just saw it doesn’t hurt to just have the more more information on this these approaches that I found so helpful and so powerful and always will be great.

16:19

For these psychologist, Robert Myers, Jeff, Foote, Carrie, Wilkins, all these people can all the people at the different organizations who have really focused their work on getting this out to families parents and I think it’s so helpful.

16:35

So yeah.

And I will say real quick, the audio books coming out of excited so that’s right in the process.

Probably any maybe this week or next week.

So that’s coming out soon.

So that’ll be nice.

But as good, I love listening.

Yeah.

And I appreciate everybody that you mentioned to in the community that they’ve created for us doing this work because it does make a difference.

16:56

Like just like parents need Community.

When their kids are struggling, like we need Community to help us be able to reach more families that need help.

And as you were talking about compassion, I was thinking about how its kind of the, it’s the opposite of a lot of what we hear.

17:15

We hear this tough love advice and You’re coaching involves a lot of craft and ITC framework.

So what results do you see and families?

That take that approach versus the tough love approach.

17:33

That’s a good question.

What I do see a lot of is frustration on parents especially when they first connect with me or Join one.

I have an online group if they join that group or however we connect or in my ITC groups there, You’re very frustrated by getting this message that they need to let go of their child or they need to put tough love into place.

17:57

It just feels very counterintuitive and honestly I think it adds more stress for them.

It’s just like okay we have this problem.

Now we’re trying to go in a certain direction.

Are we being asked to go in a certain direction and it just doesn’t feel right?

So I think parents, when they hear, I hear this and it’s been really interesting to hear as the years went along because at the beginning, Meaning when craft was first being introduced parents had, never heard about it.

18:23

I mean, they were they would stumble upon me for whatever reason, and then if I said, we’ll have you, do you know about Beyond addiction?

You know about the craft approach, they knew nothing about it.

And then, as the years went on, it was so interesting to my parents say, oh yeah, I read Beyond addiction, or I do know about it.

18:38

So usually that is what has parents reaching out when they want that more compassionate on a different approach approach.

That isn’t about the tough love and I’ve had parents, who have tried the tough love?

18:54

I had a couple parents.

One example is a parent who was told just let your child go don’t.

She was in Northern California.

I believe he was in Florida and she didn’t hear from for a while and he had relapsed and she thought, okay, I she did.

It just was gnawing at her.

19:11

I need to go see and she did finally get down to Florida and found him and he was in a homeless shelter and not doing well at all.

She said, I feel like if I Edna gone down there.

He would not probably be here today and so that was kind of stories are the ones that I think parents feel like, okay, this isn’t the right approach at another mom.

19:30

Whose son was on?

A year-long camping trip, she had at least a little sense of humor about it for a while and she finally to same thing, just that and went and got him.

And she parents struggle, I mean, do I bring them home?

They’re not completely on the recovery path.

19:46

What do I do?

But she said I’m going to bring him home and we’re going to just start working on this step-by-step and more of a harm reduction approach, more of meeting him where they are.

And of course, it’s their steps forward, their steps back, but he both of these young men are doing better now and what’s not been perfect.

20:05

But I definitely think both of these moms.

In this particular instance, feel like if they had just stuck with that tough love approach, they’re just not sure what would have happened, it was just too too.

Too stringent to too harsh and I think that’s one thing that’s super important and I tell parents, do you know your child better than anybody?

20:25

Listen to your instincts.

Listen to what you think is right here.

It learn as much as you can educate yourself, but also go with what you feel is the right thing to do.

And so I think many parents have felt like a huge sense of relief when they realize I don’t have to let go of my kids child or I don’t have to do this.

20:44

Tough love approach.

That there are options and I’m sure you do the same thing.

Heather, I don’t say to parents, you have to do it this way.

You have to do it that way.

That’s what I love about craft.

They’re not saying that they’re saying, here are some ideas to think about you figure out what you think’s going to work for you and everyone might not resonate with everything with the craft of the ITC.

21:07

But they’re going to pull things that they can work that are going to work for them.

So I think that is to me it makes so much sense and I think parents just I hear it all the time.

This is such a relief.

The other thing I want to add that I do suggest.

Sometimes the parents is I just sort of mentioned is and I’d heard this term from another counselor, a patchwork approach.

21:28

Just some people like to combine the traditional meetings with craft with ITC and that’s fine or some people go to smart recovery meetings and then pull an ITC and craft approaches well.

So pulling what works for you and creating something that makes sense for you.

21:45

I think it’s really valuable and helpful.

But again, we know that compassion.

Empathy staying close, continuing that communication, it’s better for everyone parents feel more positive kids usually feel more positive.

It’s just a better environment for all involved.

22:03

So yeah, I totally agree and I’m the same way you mentioned that.

Like I will tell a parent that I’ll support you no matter how you want to approach this, but let’s look at all the way through both ways.

Is that you might possibly The Avenues different avenues that you might take.

22:23

Like, let’s look all the way through it to see how that’s going to feel, what it’s going to take and just create space to think all the way through.

Like, I wish that I had had even, even that in the beginning to somebody, help me to see all these different paths that were available to me, and it’s, as I was listening to you talk, I remember that.

22:44

So, you and Cordelia, Talked in a group and somebody that heard you guys do that talk went and got the book beyond addiction and read it.

And she ended up going to another state to find her son that have been struggling with substance use for many years and just listening to you guys talk and reading that book, gave her the patience to go there.

23:17

R and work through things with him and wait patiently, while he got things together, and he agreed to go to treatment.

And it was like, he’s, I think like seven to nine months and Recovery.

Now, after that, and I just like, you didn’t even know that your talk did that, but and I forgot about it until right now, listening to you talk.

23:40

So it’s amazing what a parent can do with just.

Few new tools and new thought shifts on how to approach things like that.

Helped that mother go and get her child.

23:58

Do exactly what he needed her to do, to help him get into treatment.

It’s incredible.

No, that’s really great to hear the I know the interview with Cordelia has Reza.

It’s one of the more popular ones I mean people see my I got an email recently from somebody saying.

I really really like that interview.

24:14

She share some great information and I think she can connect with people in a way that they just understand what she’s saying, and they can pick it up and she’s inspiring to people in that kind of thing.

So, that makes me feel so good.

I’m so glad to hear that, that Mom, that, that helped.

That’s really very rewarding to hear that.

24:31

Yeah.

And that’s just one story, right?

I’m sure there’s many more that you’ll never know.

But, and you were talking earlier about something about enabling came up.

And I think that a parent’s, they fear that so much like and that’s They’re often told to like don’t nabel but then nobody tells you what that really means, what you actually should do, just telling you what not to do, and then they’re just left with all this fear and overwhelm about trying not to enable, how do you help parents work through that?

25:03

And that’s it.

Yeah, it’s an issue that comes up all the time and I’ll put out in the group’s.

What are some topics you want to talk about?

Enabling that one in boundaries comes up all the time.

So, yeah.

Enabling it’s a tough one and I know it’s a word.

We don’t want to be calling.

Calling anyone enabler.

We don’t really want to be calling anyone a codependent, because it’s just another negative term for family members and parents.

25:25

So, I had a conversation actually, yesterday, with a parent who was saying, I have my child at home and I’m not, I’m getting feedback from family members and friends, that I’m enabling him, he shouldn’t be there.

I believe he was working a little bit on his recovery, but he wasn’t as far along as she had was hoping that he would be, but he was making small.

25:47

Steps and she goes, I don’t want to kick him out but I just feel like if people are telling me I should do that and I think it’s so hard when they people get this message that you have to go in one approach is there’s only one right way to do this.

And I said to her to, you know, it’s interesting.

26:04

And my guess is that probably those family and friends do not have a child with addiction issues.

They haven’t studied addiction.

They don’t really know any of, probably the crap information.

The invitation change information yet.

Or if these comments and she goes, yeah, your big toe.

26:21

So, you know, we were in, it was a group situation, and we had some lovely parents, chimed in and just say in that kind of a situation.

You the downside is the child’s going to could be taken advantage of.

They could be in a harmful situation.

You’ve lost your ability to communicate with them and all those kind of things.

26:38

So you have to weigh, I think the consequences of your actions every time and I think the hard part is it is a judgment call every time.

It’s there’s not a clear, cut answer, but one thing that I have held on to and years ago, I did an interview with Christopher, Kennedy Lawford who unfortunately has passed away but he mentioned to support your child’s recovery.

27:02

Not their continued use and I don’t lose it.

I don’t know if that’s exactly the way he put it, but that those that was the gist of the comment and I’ve heard I’ve said that up to a parents often and I’ve had a lot of parents saying, wait, say that again.

I want to write that down, so I think that’s the question you always.

Ask yourself.

27:17

Am I supporting my child?

Getting healthy doing better?

Or am I supporting his continued use and even in the sense of this mother who has her child at home?

She was communicating with him.

She’s working with him, she’s continuing the conversation, she’s providing options for him.

27:37

And I think the other thing that we always have to remember, too is patience is so important in this process and it’s baby steps.

I mean, most of our kids are not going to take a leak.

From A to Z it’s going to be small little steps forward.

So again, I think that craft and Beyond addiction and the ITC program really do a great job of helping us.

27:58

Understand that enabling is not.

I could we let me say this but I think we all start out maybe a little bit.

I know I was guilty of that too.

As I mentioned early, just trying to do whatever you can to help but it’s not so helpful and as you work with your child a bit further.

28:16

It’s good too.

Really.

Take a look at these issues to take a look at what how you’re approaching the problem.

And to try to really work in a way that’s going to help your child move forward.

I think one of the main things that we come up and I know I’m sure you’ve come across as soon as the money issue, not giving money to our kids, who are then just going to go turn around and buy drugs or alcohol with it.

28:38

And another thing that I have found that comes up is collaboration with two parents, you know, whether your marriage abortion or Partners or whatever it is that And parent can be pretty good about boundaries or being clear with what their expectations are.

And they follow through in that kind of thing or is another parent might not be so good.

28:57

And so the child learns, how to whether they’re adults teens or whatever, they can figure out the wiggle room, kind of between the two parents or they’re getting this mixed message, that isn’t so helpful.

So one thing I think is especially is with the boundaries is to be super clear with yourself.

29:13

First of all, this is a boundary that I am sure.

Sure, that I want to follow through with and and then that next step of actually not backing down and not not having your child kind of manipulate you out of something.

Or have you changed course when you don’t feel that that’s appropriate.

29:31

So so much of the neighboring I think is really just being really clear with ourselves what were willing to do.

And I think one other thing that I love about this approach is that their point is saying we’re not going to tell you that you have to have this.

29:47

Under that boundary.

But whatever you do do just make sure you’re going to follow through.

So again it’s the parents judgment call on what they can handle.

And I think to sometimes there’s also that the point that if a certain boundary is causing you so much stress, then it’s okay to look at that and maybe do something a little bit different.

30:09

And so sometimes we do have to do things that aren’t exactly, may be the perfect situation, I think.

But for most of the Time, you really want to work with yourself, work with your child and make sure you’re being clear and that you are supporting healthy Behavior.

30:27

Yeah.

And I I like that craft and ITC like give you a framework to work with rather than rules like you mentioned.

I think that that is very empowering and I always tell people that like you’re the only one that has to live with the consequences.

30:47

Of what you do.

Those people who are.

So sure that everything you’re doing is wrong don’t have to live with the consequences of your decisions.

And I mean, I know firsthand what it’s like to have to live through that and go through every single thing that I did along their journey and wonder if it would have made things different.

31:09

So and I just don’t think that people think about that and you’re right.

A lot of them probably have not dealt with their own.

Child substance use.

And I think the most supportive thing that we can do for somebody else is to just create space for them, to make their own decisions for their family because they’re the only ones that have to live with it.

31:33

There were times like that.

I had like, I was just maybe out of town and I would do something different than I would normally do.

Like, I remember being at a conference once and my daughter sent me a message.

She’s like, I need money for tampons and I’m like, There’s no way I’m gonna say no to that.

31:49

I can spend this whole time worrying about how I’m going to get them to her, or whatever, or I can send her $10 through cash app right now and not think about it again.

Is it probably going to drugs?

Maybe.

But at least I could be present where I was and not be trying to figure out all of these other things.

32:11

So it’s sometimes it’s just a judgment call of preserving ourselves and our ability to To enjoy our lives and be present in other situations.

And not always just thinking about them and what’s going on with them as well?

Good point.

32:26

Yeah.

Absolutely.

And like I said, there are times when you just feel like you have to do make a decision one way or the other just and it’s okay.

It’s okay.

So I think parents have to have a little compassion for ourselves to and not be so hard on ourselves and we just we do the best we can really in a very difficult situation.

32:47

Absolutely, that compassion is got to be a two-way street and when I first found the book beyond addiction and I was Googling trying to find out about craft.

You were the only parent coach that came up at the time.

33:02

So you were one of the very early people doing this.

So I consider you like one of the more seasoned coaches in this space.

What are some of the biggest lessons that you have learned through your Perience doing this work with parents?

33:19

Well, there’s many, I mean one just basically is just it’s been so rewarding and I first of all, I’ve met so many amazing parents but I think of when I think of how I used to think of addiction and then how I think of it now, the shift and thinking of someone being bad or having no values and realizing rather than going down that road but thinking there’s a trauma involved, or there’s a reason and it may not be a trauma but there was A definite reason behind the use.

33:49

And that some of these ideas, like our kids are getting a benefit from, it was not really something.

I send spend a lot of time thinking about so that was a something that I really take away from the craft for sure.

And that parents, it’s our job as parents to really.

34:06

I feel start with having an understanding of the problem, really.

Do some of that work first.

So those were some of the things that immediately come up but it’s been Been such an interesting journey, I guess I would say.

34:21

I mean, what’s been fun is to be have been in that very first group of, with the partnership and then watch this whole thing evolved.

And honestly, I mean, I think we all have need patience to because I think we all wish it would evolve a little bit more quickly and that the treatment centers would embrace the craft a little bit more than they do.

34:39

Some do some don’t, but it’s a wonderful program.

As I said, I think parents Just embrace it for the most part, they are just so relieved to find that they can help their kids.

And there are things that they can do.

34:56

And that again, we can’t control everything that our child does.

We can control some of our reaction to it.

We control ourselves but we can’t live someone else’s life for them but I think the idea of motivating them of having that communication and for me the big piece, I love all of it.

35:12

But I think the communication for me has always been the big one.

I think that seems to change.

Change the way people interact with their kids so much.

I mean, they just stop and say, oh my gosh.

Okay, I’m going to really approach this a different way.

And when they do 9 times out of 10, they see different results.

35:29

So, that is been huge and it’s just exciting.

I mean, I it’s very rewarding and it’s just been so game-changing for so many people.

I mean, I get emails from people often, you know my child’s.

I got on recently and I received an email from a mom, who was my Old is we’ve been working with him forever?

35:49

And now we’re really changing the way we’re approaching this issue and he’s on a much better path and things are really looking up and that kind of thing.

So that’s great.

I mean, it’s just wonderful to hear and you want parents to have some concrete tools with this problem.

36:04

It’s huge.

I mean, it’s huge and it can destroy families so easily.

So I think this is such a gift for all of us that this approach is here and that if we can I spread it out as far as wide as possible.

I mean, I’m happy to do that.

36:19

I know that’s the work you’re doing as well.

Heather, and it’s all good.

I mean, it’s just, it’s a wonderful approach and I’ve learned so much.

I think I’ve been to.

Hopefully, I’ve helped a few people, but I probably been more rewarded myself from doing this work.

So I can’t say enough about it.

36:35

I think it’s great.

Yeah, I agree.

It’s so rewarding to know that hopefully we’re going to be able to reach parents like for me.

Me that I’m going to be able to reach parents.

Hopefully, sooner than I would, it took me five years to find help that worked and I get really excited.

36:52

Every time a new group of people comes into the just finish the level one training, for the invitation to change group and every time they a new group of them comes into our monthly calls it and seeing the network grow, and their excitement, and what they’re all bringing to it, and knowing that pretty Soon.

37:14

It’s going to be a lot easier to find like, that makes my heart.

So happy every time I see that to know that more parents are going to our family members are going to be able to find this information sooner than I was able to absolutely, and I’m out here in California.

37:31

And I know when I went to that first meeting just learning about the first craft 10 years ago, the furthest person West was from Kansas.

And so, I was out in California and now we’ve got for Jillian, Oregon, We’ve got people on Washington and I had a ITC parent.

37:49

Reach out to me, another one in California.

So we have several now in California and you’re just watching it and then Sarah Zucker who’s run psychologist.

Has an office in San Diego.

So it’s so exciting to see it really come across the country and to expand and grow.

And I think when people do learn about it, they get, they do, they get excited and it’s rewarding to help people.

38:09

It’s rewarding to learn about first for your own child, and then it’s rewarding to help other people.

Try to learn this.

Information.

Yeah.

So can you tell us what support you offer and then how people find you and your book?

Sure.

So I have I have my book that’s out there and you can find it on Amazon, you can find it through to through the library as if you I know some parents they just they’re strapped on treatment all that.

38:35

So you can always go to overdrive or Libyan some of those places in just requested if people want to do that.

But it’s on Amazon.

It’s on all of many of the other Book retailers as well.

I have a online support group, regain your your hoe.

38:51

And I walk people through many of the ideas around craft.

It’s a video course and also bring some other things into that one as well.

We have an online support group and we also meet monthly.

So if parents have issues or they just want to check in and they can always reach out to me too.

39:09

So that’s another way that they can tend do that.

I’m not coaching as much as I was.

So I’m kind of passing that baton to some of you younger gals.

I do coach a little bit of people really want it, but I’m not coaching as much as I am, but I do have a free parent of children, struggling with drugs or alcohol.

39:28

There’s a group on Facebook, we add in craft information as well.

And then I’m on all the normal social media sites, but I also have some free resources.

I have the first chapter of my book is available.

You Download that for free or free ebook. 10 tips to start the change process when your child struggles with substance use.

39:49

And with that, if you sign up for that, then you’ll be on my email list, I send and send a newsletter, which just do a little blurb of information and then have links to a few different articles or if I also try to bring in, like, if there’s something going on with craft, from the CMC, or from Cordelia or whoever, I just try to bring those links into and pass that along.

40:11

So, yeah, so So, you can, you know, I’ve got the websites there, it’s Kathy Tombaugh.com and I don’t know if you want me to put it in the show notes, so that anybody who can just go click on the link, right?

Yeah.

So you can just check it out.

40:26

It’s all there, and it’s pretty easy to navigate.

I think there’s lots of Articles, hundreds of Articles.

So if there’s a topic, you can just search it.

And there’s a little search Place search section and you can find just whatever you’re looking for, that might be helpful.

40:42

So, and Of interviews to.

So I’m excited because I am I’ll say this to Heather is going to be one of our new interviews and I’ll have that up shortly on YouTube that’s available.

And then I also pull those into my just the craft interviews I pull into my regain your home group to but the interviews I do have on YouTube for anyone and I have several other interview videos to just on different topics that people can just look through.

41:06

So you can find me there as well.

Okay, well thank you so much for your time today.

I really appreciate you sharing all this great.

Information with us.

Thank you heather.

I really appreciate you having me.

And I appreciate all that you’re doing to help families as well.

Thank you for listening to this episode.

41:24

If you want to learn more about my work, go to Heather.

Ross coaching.com if you want to help other parents who are struggling with a child’s addiction, you can do it two different ways.

First, you can share the podcast with them directly or you can share it on your social media second.

41:41

You can leave a review, talk to you next week.

Thank you for listening to this episode.

If you want to learn more about my work, go to Heather.

Ross coaching.com if you want to help other parents who are struggling with a child’s addiction, you can do it two different ways.

First, you can share the podcast with them directly or you can share it on your social media second.

You can leave a review, talk to you next week.