Episode 8 Life is 50/50

Living While Loving Your Child Through Addiction
Living While Loving Your Child Through Addiction
Episode 8 Life is 50/50
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Most of us have this idea that we should feel positive emotion all the time, or that we shouldn’t feel negative emotion.

We aren’t supposed to be happy 100% of the time.

The tools I share are meant to help you keep that 50/50 balance because when you’re dealing with a child’s addiction it’s easy to get stuck in the negative 50.

Negative emotions have a purpose.

Each one is bringing you an important message.

When you know what your negative emotions are trying to tell you, then you can work through them instead of trying to avoid them or get stuck in them.

The blog posts I referenced in this episode https://heatherrosscoaching.com/how-to-master-your-feelings-so-you-dont-feel-so-out-of-control-part-1/

Part 2: https://heatherrosscoaching.com/how-to-master-your-feelings-so-you-dont-feel-so-out-of-control-part-2/

Resources From Heather Ross Coaching

GROUP COACHING PROGRAM –  Peace of Mind Group for moms
https://heatherrosscoaching.com/peace-of-mind-community/

Get answers and support to help you and your child Sign up for a 45-minute $17 Road to Recovery call with me using the link below
https://heatherrosscoachingcalendar.as.me/RoadtoRecovery⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

If you want my free guide 3 Steps To Stay Sane When Your Child Is Abusing Substances – How to Move Forward With Confidence TODAY click here http://heatherrosscoaching.com/3-simple-steps/

Follow me on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/heatherrosscoaching

Follow me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/heatherrosscoaching/

Link to my free Facebook group for parents who are struggling with a child’s addiction

https://www.facebook.com/groups/434135437166166/?ref=share

Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/heather-ross9/message

Transcript

This transcript has not been formatted or edited.

00:06
I’m Heather and this is the Living With Addiction podcast where I show you how you have more power than you realize when it comes to helping yourself and your child that’s struggling with addiction.

00:21
Hello, welcome to the Living With Addiction podcast. So I wanna introduce you to a concept that life is 50-50. There’s 50% positive emotions and 50% bad emotions. We are not supposed to be happy 100% of the time. That’s never my message.

00:47
So I want you to be careful not to use the information that I share with you against yourself. Just because my work is designed to give you sustainable, effective ways to work with addiction, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to feel good 100% of the time. It’s meant to bring your emotional charge down to a place where you can integrate what you’ve learned, decide what works for you and your family.

01:17
and start implementing it. It’s meant to decrease the number of bad days or hours that you experience and give you your life back, but it’s not meant to eliminate all bad days. There’s no way to eliminate the bad days, and you wouldn’t choose that anyway. If there was no bad days, that would mean that you don’t care about your child’s addiction.

01:46
And that’s never gonna happen. I mean, you care. And because of that, you would choose some bad days. Before I worked with my coach and I learned how to manage my mind, I was creating way more negative emotion than necessary. I was probably in the 90% range. I was in deep despair, fear or numbness, guilt,

02:14
shame, you know, just all of the feelings that a parent who’s dealing with a child’s addiction experiences. I didn’t feel any excitement or joy. I mean, I could remember feeling those things in the past and wondering why I didn’t feel them anymore. You know, sometimes thinking like what was wrong with me, but those feelings were really just a distant memory.

02:44
you know, when things were at their worst. And the other 10% of the time was just some form of momentary relief. Like there was no real elevation of emotion for me, at least in a positive way. I would get the elevation from, you know, the fear and the anxiety, but never those elevated positive emotions. And I would experience

03:12
relief like when I found my daughter, you know, the times that she ran away. But that would also come along with a lot of fear about when she would run away again. And that was just my experience, momentary relief and then dread. I didn’t know how to manage my mind or work through any of those emotions.

03:38
And that was my existence until I started getting help for myself and working with my coach. And she’s the one that taught me this 50-50 concept. And I have to say, it was such a relief. It took a lot of the pressure off me to feel happy all the time. I stopped thinking something was wrong with me because I wasn’t happy all of the time.

04:04
It gave me space for my humanness and the struggle that I was going through. And, you know, we have to have the contrast of emotion, the positive and the negative, to experience the difference between the two and appreciate it. Otherwise, how would we appreciate

04:34
You know, our human condition requires that we feel all the emotions. The very thought that you shouldn’t experience negative emotions just increases your level of discomfort. It makes you feel like something is wrong with you every time you’re just experiencing humaneness. And that thought, that judgment, um, is just a roadblock.

05:02
like I was talking about last week with judgment. Judgment just holds you back. So I want you to change your perception of feelings and start thinking of them as signals. Think of them like all the lights on the dash of your car. Each light has a specific meaning. Sometimes it takes some research to figure out what the light that just came on means.

05:33
and you have to take time to stop and look it up and figure it out, but it’s sending you a clear message. Something needs your attention. And it’s the same way with negative emotions, which by the way, I don’t even like calling them negative. I prefer to think of them as unwanted because calling them negative just sends the signal that something has gone wrong.

05:59
But for the sake of easy listening, I’ll stick with the term negative emotion. But I want you to think about what I just said and open up to thinking of your emotions as wanted and unwanted versus negative and positive. So the next time you experience a negative emotion, I want you to see it as a signal. Take the time to investigate it, just like you would

06:30
the light on the dashboard of your car. So for example, anger means something that happened to you seems unfair. That’s the signal that anger is sending. Something happened and you think it’s unfair. So in order to work through that, to figure out what happened that seems unfair to you, to figure out why you’re feeling angry,

07:00
You can think about how to make it fair. And if it’s not possible to make it fair, then figure out how to forgive. And that forgiveness is for your own peace of mind. I wrote a couple of blog posts about the wisdom of feelings and I will put them in the show notes. They’re worth reading because I tell you what several negative emotions mean, what they’re signaling to you.

07:29
and how to work through them. So not knowing how to work through negative emotions or what they mean is why so many people do whatever they can to get away from them. That’s why it’s so uncomfortable for us when we feel those negative emotions and especially if we think that we shouldn’t be feeling that way and we’re judging it. But looking at it in this way,

07:58
that every emotion is just a signal makes it a lot easier to accept that those negative feelings really have a purpose which is so much easier because you’re no longer at the effect of the emotions that you’re experiencing.

08:22
So again, I just wanna say the things I share with you are not about making every day a great day. There’s still gonna be bad days, but there’s power in knowing that you choose that sometimes. Like if my daughter was homeless, then I would choose to be sad about that. I would go through a period of working through that, being.

08:49
really intentional with my thoughts, trying to figure out how I really felt about it. Like I would have to be doing a lot of thought work and I would not be feeling great during that time. I would be trying to get my thoughts in order. I might have to grieve a little bit more that we’re in this place.

09:15
and my daughter is experiencing something unimaginable to me and I’m worried about her. So during a time like that, there’s gonna be some tough days or weeks, you know, of just complete and utter messy humanness. And then I’m gonna decide, okay, this is just how things are now.

09:38
I don’t know how long this is going to last, you know, the addiction or the homelessness. And how do I want to live my life now, even though this is happening? Then you know, I choose to use the tools that I have to pull myself out of it. So never think that you should be able to work your way out of every single negative emotion. There’s a purpose in the negative emotion.

10:08
It’s there to teach you. It’s there to tell you that you have an unmet need, that there is something for you to work on. So really all your power comes from seeing your choice in it. Everything that I share with you is for you to help yourself. So don’t turn it around and use it against you.

10:38
And another thing I want you to ask yourself is, have you grieved what you have experienced? Have you grieved the loss of what you believed being a parent would like? What you believed your relationship with your child would look like? I had to grieve everything that I believed.

11:07
it would be like for me as a mom. And all of my dreams for my daughter and our relationship, things like seeing her go to prom, which honestly, when I say something like that, it just feels like such a small thing to be, you know, to have felt like I missed out on. But, you know, when you’re dealing with addiction and you’re…

11:37
experiencing these situations that you never even imagined that you would be in, something so small as not getting to watch your daughter go to prom seems really frivolous in the grand scheme of things. But at the time, you know, I expected those were the things that I was going to get to do with my daughter and I didn’t get to.

12:06
and I had to grieve it. I had to allow myself to let go of that idea of what everything was going to be like so I could accept how things actually were. So if you haven’t taken the time to grieve those losses,

12:35
you know, the loss of that dream of what you thought things were going to be like, then it’s an important step to take. And it helped me so much when it came to really accepting where my life was and where my daughter’s life was. And starting from a very neutral place with just showing up,

13:05
with unconditional love for her and keeping a connection with her and not having any expectations that she was going to live up to any of those things. I just had to keep working on releasing all of that and no kid lives up to their parents dreams for them anyway.

13:32
And I know that a lot of times we feel like it’s so easy to blame everything on addiction, but I used to go, I used to be a part of this group coaching program. And I listened to so many parents get coached about their kids and they would be so worried about their kids future and their kid not living up to the life.

14:00
that they thought that they were going to have. So all parents experience that on some level. It’s just that when we think that it’s only that way because of addiction, it makes it more painful. So if you haven’t grieved your experience and what the change and how unexpected it was and that you never thought that you would be.

14:29
in this situation, it’s important to do that so that you can find a place of acceptance. As you know, like I said, that really helped me just to show up and be present with my daughter and love her for who she was in the moment. But that’s also a part of just accepting how you feel about the situation.

15:00
So I just wanted to talk about that today so that, you know, anything that you hear me share about the things that I do to help myself, that doesn’t mean that you are supposed to feel great every day. Life is 50-50, there’s good days, there’s bad days,

15:30
the thought that you should feel better all of the time is really just going to cause suffering. So see your choice in it. See that there are certain things that are going to happen certain times that you’re going to choose the 50% negative and you’re going to have to take some time to work through it. But that’s what the tools I share are about.

15:59
They’re giving you a way to work through it, specific steps to take, ways to figure out what works for you and your family. Everybody’s situation is different and each parent knows exactly what is best for their family. It’s just covered up by all of the fear and confusion. And so…

16:25
That’s what the tools that I share are for, is to help you work through that fear and confusion and get to the answers that work best for you and your family, and to help you see your choice in every situation. Just always remember that. That’s where your power is, is where is your choice in the situation. So everything that I share, it’s for you.

16:53
Don’t turn it against you. That’s all I’ve got for today, and I’ll talk to you next week.

17:07
Thank you for listening to this episode. If you wanna learn more about my work, go to heat If you wanna help other parents who are struggling with a child’s addiction, you can do it two different ways. First, you can share the podcast with them directly, or you can share it on your social media. Second, you can leave a review. Talk to you next week.