One of the reasons anxiety is so debilitating is that it’s too vague to be solved so we feel powerless over it.
Understanding the difference between worry, stress, and anxiety, where they happen in your body, and what functions they serve will help you work through them as they come up.
Worry, stress, and anxiety are trying to signal to you that you have an unmet need so you can meet the needs that they’re signaling.
Our bodies are always telling us what we need.
We’re really good at understanding our sensations but not our feelings.
When we’re thirsty we know we need water.
When we’re hungry we know we need food.
When we’re tired we know we need sleep.
We know these sensations very well, but when it comes to thoughts, feelings, and biological responses we tend to try to ignore them or avoid them because we were never taught to find solutions to them.
In fact, I’d say we’re taught to ignore our feelings because they make people feel uncomfortable.
We can limp through life without understanding these processes until a major event like a child’s addiction happens and suddenly understanding these signals becomes imperative if you want relief.
I’m going to tell you the main differences between stress, worry, and anxiety so you can understand what’s happening when you experience them and support yourself through those experiences.
It will also help you model emotional regulation for your child and support them through their experiences as well.
What I want you to understand as you read this is how much perspective impacts worry, stress, and anxiety and why it’s crucial to be intentional with your thoughts about your life.
Worry happens in your mind and not in your body.
Worry is thoughts happening in your brain, not the feelings you experience in your body.
Stress is a biological response to external events. It happens in your body as a result of your thoughts.
We feel stressed when we think the demand of the external event exceeds our ability to cope with it successfully.
It makes sense why we feel super stressed about our kid’s addiction until we think we have the ability to cope with it.
So worried thoughts cause stress – then our thoughts about our ability to handle the stress – create the feelings that go with the stress.
Anxiety is a feeling that happens as a result of a lot of worry and stress.
Outside of a generalized anxiety disorder (which is beyond the scope of this blog) anxiety comes from our thoughts.
Anxiety either leads to more worrying thoughts or avoidance.
Since our mind and body are in constant contact checking in with each other it’s easy to see how this can quickly escalate into a constant state of being.
It looks like this:
There’s a circumstance in your life and that circumstance is your child is using substances.
You have worried thoughts about it.
You feel stressed.
You think you don’t have the skills you need to help your child.
Then you have more worrying thoughts that lead to feelings like anxiety because those worrying thoughts are about all the things that can possibly go wrong in the future.
Now you have thoughts, feelings, and biological responses happening to the outside circumstance that your child is using substances.
Your body checks in with your mind and says “ how are we doing?”
Your mind says “it’s bad, really really bad”.
“We can’t handle this”.
“We don’t know what to do”.
“Nothing and no one is in safe”. “We’re all in grave danger”. “No one can help us”.
That produces more worried, thoughts, stress in your body, and anxiety.
If you don’t intervene in this process, the next thing you know overwhelmjoins the party.
Overwhelm comes from an extreme level of stress that gets so high that you can’t function.
The overwhelm reinforces the belief that you can’t handle the situation that’s causing the worrying thoughts and stress.
It’s like a train picking up speed going faster and fast and the next thing you know it’s speeding out of control.
Unless you engage your prefrontal cortex and get out of autopilot, your child’s addiction starts to take over your life too.
Then you are no longer in a position to help or support them.
Emotions are so high that now your brain is giving them even more attention because we are hard-wired to do that for survival.
Our brains are meant to pay more attention to really emotional events because they must be important.
This can easily become your new state of being if you don’t know how to interrupt this cycle and override it.
That’s because when we’re overwhelmed we struggle to process information accurately which can add confusion to the mix as well.
If we aren’t processing our feelings then we can’t make good decisions.
We have to focus on our feelings enough to get clarity and untangle the mess we’ve created with our thoughts.
This is what leads to breakdowns in relationships, health, loss of enjoyment in activities, and even an inability to work.
If this goes on long enough it reprograms your brain and becomes your go-to state of being instead of being triggered by specific circumstances.
You start to interpret everything as disastrous.
That’s why awareness of this process is so important.
If you don’t understand what’s happening in your mind and body and you believe it and don’t stop to question it then it seems like your current response is appropriate and the only possible response.
That’s not true though.
I’ve seen a huge difference in clients in just one week even though nothing has changed with their circumstances.
Their child is doing all the same things including still using substances, but my client is now regulated and calm because they are being very intentional with their thoughts.
Those intentional thoughts are causing more peaceful feelings.
That’s why my program is called the Peace of Mind program.
The skills you need to create your own peace of mind no matter what your child is doing are the foundation of the program.
Once you start questioning your thoughts and being intentional, new options and solutions open up.
Otherwise, your only options are more worry, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, or avoidance.
Avoidance looks like scrolling through Facebook, drinking, overeating, binging on Netflix, sleeping more than normal, or buying stuff you don’t need trying to change how you feel.
Worry and avoidance both make things worse and come with plenty of negative consequences.
Something I hear parents say a lot that I’d like to caution you about is saying “I can’t do this anymore” or “I can’t handle this anymore”.
Sometimes parents say it for years.
Those thoughts cause more stress because the emotions that come from stress are based on our beliefs about our ability to handle the situation.
If you never stop and look into what you’re saying then you go on handling it for years all the while saying that you can’t handle it and causing more worry, stress, anxiety, and overwhelm.
The answer to worry, stress, anxiety, and overwhelm is asking yourself high-quality questions and creating intentional thoughts that lead to feelings like hope, acceptance, confidence, and motivation.
Those Feelings will fuel problem-solving actions instead of worry, stress, anxiety, and overwhelm.
Fact Check your brain. Your thoughts are suggestions, not facts. That’s why it’s crucial to question your thoughts and be intentional.
Life is full of uncertainty, but when it comes to your child’s substance use, you get hyper-focused on the uncertainty of the future.
You’ve got to build up your uncertainty tolerance muscle.
One way I do that is to think about all the everyday uncertainties that I choose to ignore like car accidents.
People die and sustain life-threatening injuries in car accidents every day, but I don’t think about the uncertainty of what will happen every time I get in my car.
Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t be able to drive anywhere.
Addiction and substance use are full of uncertainty, but you can build your tolerance to uncertainty with intentional thoughts about that as well.
Think about other uncertainties you face every day but don’t let them slow you down.
Use them to help you build your uncertainty tolerance muscle.
Here’s a quick recap:
Perspective or the quality of your thoughts impacts worry, stress, and anxiety and that’s why
it’s crucial to be intentional with your thoughts about your life.
Worry happens in your mind and not in your body.
Worry is thoughts happening in your brain, not the feelings you experience in your body.
Stress is a biological response to external events. It happens in your body as a result of your thoughts.
We feel stressed when we think the demand of external events like our child’s addiction exceeds our ability to cope with it successfully.
Worried thoughts cause stress, then our thoughts about our ability to handle the stress create the feelings that go with the stress.
Anxiety is a feeling that happens as a result of a lot of worry and stress.
Learning how to use the self-coaching model that I teach to my clients will help you manage this.
You can learn more about that in episode #16 of the Living With Your Child’s Addiction Podcast.